1313: Cougar Cult (2012)

Guh…

So, this is what I watched….

Maybe you’re a creative person that’s been discouraged by hearing the word “No” from corporate types who don’t want to invest in your dream. Maybe you’ve worked and honed your craft that you’re just waiting for its moment to shine and take off. Maybe you’re J.K. Rowling.

However, if you’re David deCocteau, you bypass the industry and those stuffy closed minded executives and you make your dreams happen.  Even if those dreams involve shirtless men being terrorized by older women in lingerie. So, if you’re ever in doubt that you’ll never be good enough or people just don’t understand you, please be aware that sometimes those fears are justified and maybe its a good idea to not commit your ideas to tape until you’ve at least done a second draft.

Your first question might be, “Hey, is this porn?” The answer is a reluctant no. Yes, it flirts with the genre, but there’s no actual pornographic activity.

Your next question might be, “What if I don’t enjoy things like watching older women hit on guys or over the top objectification of guys in their underwear?” The answer is, even if you did, I’d still recommend you stay far away from this thing. Frankly, anyone who’s within a arms reach of sharp instruments should probably stay away from it.

For those of you hoping for a movie about actual literal cougars, (as in big cats in the wild) well, you’re really out of luck.But as a consolation prize, here’s some cute cougar kittens who have done no crime in this world other than just being gosh darned adorable.

Now if this movie had just been about someone who was raised by a pack of wild kittens, not only would I have been onboard, but I’m sure it would have won every award ever. Because, kittens.

Moving on…

Here’s what you need to know. And when I say “need” I mean, “here’s what a lazy cliche ridden plot looks like”…

Three college guys – they’re hunky, so they look good in underwear, but they wear glasses so you know they’re smart – they go to a “job interview” for summer jobs.

And three “cougars” as in, well, you know.

There’s lots of bad sexual innuendos, bad sound, bad editing, bad life choices, bad everything.

Does this house look familiar to you? Are you looking at that hideous tree sculpture with the high heels in the background thinking, “Wait, either I’ve seen that before somewhere or I saw that thing in a feverish dream where I took too much Ambien then slept under too many blankets.”

You’re right. We have seen this somewhere. Anyone remember A Talking Cat?!?!?!

I’d like to think that these two movies now exist in the same universe. The Talking Cat murdered the inhabitants, then ran away across state lines, then a stupider movie moved in.

“Look, lets just do the scene and read the lines like we’re actual actors. And then we’ll be in a movie.”

 Surprise, you guys…

Its not an actual job these tipping the scale gay men got hired for. There’s just three women who want to kill them.

…and see them in their underwear.

…and take showers.

No one’s being objectified at all. There is a very clear and indepth character study here and if you can’t see it…

Sigh. I’ve got nothing.

Wait, what’s happening here?

The hell?!?!?

Its the most frighteningly bad case of animation in film since…

…a visionary director just put moving black animation over a cats mouth and willed him to talk.

But in a surprise twist that everyone sees coming, these three now “literal” cougars eat young men and stay kind of sort of young forever.

So maybe a very loose sequel to A Talking Cat?!?!?! which by far, a superior film in every respect.

Do you really care how it ends? The director didn’t, so I’m assuming there was a scene where they all realized that everything is awful and they just left the set with a note. Because that’s what I did.

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For Your Consideration: BARB WIRE (1996)

 

 

Given that the summer movie season is upon us and that we’re getting a glut of superhero movies in that time, I thought it appropriate to look back at a deservedly forgotten comic book film Barb Wire, starring Pamela Anderson…

Sometimes I wonder when the discussion for bringing Wonder Woman to the big screen comes up, if there’s at least one executive who brings Barb Wire up as a reason to wait.

Don’t let opening stripper scene in water fool you – this movie is a straight up remake of Casablanca. If Humphrey Bogart had breasts and a penchant for corsets, we’d be calling it a ripoff.

In the event you haven’t seen this movie (or Casablanca), here’s the synopsis.

In the not too distant future, America is embroiled in the second world war – what it was about, apparently none of our business. What does matter is that there’s a new style of government called the American Congress and they like to dress like Nazis. Our story is set in Steel Harbor, a city that’s free yet, imprisoned with crime and home to our heroine, Barb. Barbara Karpinski if you happened to know her before the war, that is. She owns a nightclub, but acts as a bounty hunter during the day to pay the bills. Despite these two professions, she takes no sides and shows no emotions (which may or may not have been a acting limitation as opposed to a character choice).

And in true Casablanca form, a ex boyfriend wants her help to get out of town. Because we’ve all seen Casablanca, we know she does.

And lets face it. Humphrey Bogart had no business wearing anything figure hugging.

Lets just also talk about the night club where she does a stripper act under a torrent of water – which means that business hygiene standards of the future will have deteriorated dramatically between now and 2017

Nazi-chic is really big in the future. Then again, it’s incredibly slimming and great for the government official on the go.

Alternately, Pamela Anderson does change outfits in this movie. Its just she owns a lot of corsets. Black ones. At least she’s getting a lot of support, which I can’t emphasize enough – its critically important.

One common thing I find in a lot of these movies is that they’re mostly shot in darkness, either inside or outside. So shady interiors….

Or deep dark night….

Shady interiors….

….back to night…

Remember the time Tobias from Arrested Development decided to pursue a career as a leather daddy?

Not sure why I thought about that. Now back to the movie.

I’m not saying that Pam Anderson has had a lot of lip injections, I’m just saying she always looks like its a struggle to keep her lips closed over teeth….

Perhaps it would help if Pam was able to emote actual emotions while acting. Which may or may not be the definition of acting.

You’re wet and in a unhappy future with nothing but uncomfortable leather bustiers to wear. Emotions are not a priority. Which is why she makes this face in every scene.

“Hey Barb, the resistance is getting shut down by fake Nazis.”

“Barb, we’re splitting a pizza. Do you want to chip in?”

The weather may change, the hair gets styled, but you could set your watch to Pam Anderson’s acting face.

I’d be cheating everyone if I didn’t address this character:

A man who lives the life of a vagrant on the streets of Steel Harbor, surrounded by garbage and mysterious amounts of food. The abandoned ditch digger is his castle, the homeless gypsies his court, and the celebrated minds of society (aka Pamela Anderson) seek his council.

Therefore, he has been cleverly named Big Fatso.

This movie dares to go where Casablanca clearly was afraid to.

What’s Ron Howard’s brother doing in this movie? Does it matter?

What about this? Was this important to the story? Meh.

I’ll say this for the future – it may be bleak but at least there’s no water and ammo shortage.

Also, cows are still thriving to meet the demands of the leather industry. We can all sleep secure knowing that future has everything covered.