For Your Consideration: LADY DANGER!

This week’s post, I’ve given the reigns over to my good friend over at First World Failure, who’s shaking up the format a bit and giving us a compilation of movies meant to inspire us to safety…
Summer’s almost over gang, and it’s time to think about “back to school.” For ladies, whether you’re in high school or college, this means a number of things: Deciding which ankle length skirt is your go to first day of school skirt. Buying all the school supplies so you can highlight your notes in three different colors. Trying not to get raped/murdered. Wait…what!?!  
It’s true. The world is a dangerous place, and there was nothing like made for TV movies from the 90s to make us aware of it. High school and college are dangerous places (unless you’re homeschooled), and we’ve put together a wonderful collection of cautionary tales to keep you safe from the prom to the frat party and everywhere in between.  
1.       A Friend to Die Foraka Death of a Cheerleader (1994) – We’ve all been there. Maybe you’re not the prettiest girl in school. Maybe your family doesn’t buy you a new car to drive. Maybe you become obsessed with a popular girl and then try to fly too close to the sun with your wax wings. All Kellie Martin wanted to be was to be one of the popular girls and Tori Spelling just won’t let her. Maybe if Tori was raised to have better manners she wouldn’t be getting the business end of a butcher knife. I think that’s a lesson we can all get behind – don’t be a megabitch who throws around the insult “freak” like it was going out of fashion.  
      Fun Fact: The highest rated TV movie of 1994.
          Co-ed Call Girl aka Her Deadly Secret (1996) – College is expensive. From meal plans to off campus apartments near the beach, the college experience isn’t something we can buy with savings bonds gifted from Grandma anymore. The first step to enjoying this movie is buying that Tori is poor. The second step is buying that Tori is a “bookish” college student. If anything, she’s “magazine-ish”. Tori just wants a little spending money as a college student, and thanks to a practical joke we find her at a Malibu-based escort service.   
      Casting Gold: Keep your eyes peeled for Barry Watson of 7th Heaven fame and Jeri Ryan of Star Trek: Voyager.  

  No One Would Tell (1996) – This is a great movie that shows what happens when a woman Just. Won’t. Listen. Fred Savage attempts to distance himself from Kevin Arnold and toward “serious actor” by playing an abusive boyfriend. It’s not too much of a leap for the audience, because Fred is the nicest kind of abuser. You know, the kind who makes you want to look the other way while he drags Candace Cameron into the locker room to change into some modest track pants. The title doesn’t lie – literally nobody has a problem with Fred’s anger problems. No one, that is, except for Sally Jessie Raphael who plays a judge and sets everyone straight in the end.

Fun Fact: SJR was on fire for acting in 1996, appearing in episodes of Touched by an Angel and Diagnosis Murder. 

4.       She Cried No (1996) – Why Mark-Paul Gosselaar, WHY!?! In an attempt to distance himself from his Saved By The Bell persona who was merely “mischievous”, MPG takes a role as a frat boy rapist (because thanks to Fred Savage, “murderer” was taken). Is there anything that Candace Cameron couldn’t do in 1996? She can’t get MPG convicted in court, but she’ able to put him in his place in math class AND by defaming him on television.  
        I like how this TV movie expands her role of “rape victim” by giving her characteristics such as “good at math” and “amateur detective.”  Amateur detective? YES. She tracks down video footage of MPG being a douchy date rapist and broadcasts it on television. AKA: This movie was also called “Freshman Fall”.
       Fun Fact: Kathleen Rowell, writer of She Cried No, also penned the teen drama favorite “The Outsiders”. 
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For Your Consideration: MAN OF THE HOUSE (2005)

Once upon a time, there was a mighty force of acting named Tommy Lee Jones.  He uttered the words, “I don’t care!” to Harrison Ford with such deft and might that its been my favorite catchphrase, 20+ years strong.  There was his turn in Coal Miner’s Daughter! No Country for Old Men! Lincoln! Captain America!

However, things weren’t always so bright for Tommy.  He rode high on his Men in Black cash and then reality apparently was so bleak, that he took a little project called Man of the House.

Don’t let the sunny smiles of early twentysomethings with bare midriffs fool you.  Its bleak.

Also, this should not be confused with this slice of 90s treachery….

The lesser Man of the house

For those of you who actually watched this movie for a plot, here you go…Tommy Lee Jones channels his energy from U.S. Marshalls into a romp where cheerleaders witness a horrifying murder and to protect them, he moves into their sorority house and inflicts his crotchetiness on them.  And then he marries a English professor.

We open seeing Tommy Lee Jones doing what he does best. Talkin’ smack and wearing one too many belts.

Cedric The Entertainer makes the first of many unfortunate appearances. Judging from this film, it’d probably be best if we took the “The Entertainer” out of his moniker.

Because I was not entertained.

Moving on….

The girls witness a gruesome murder. Although to follow their eyelines, the blonde girls in the middle are looking at something not only further down the street, but also less concerning.

 The thing that I’m struck by the most in the film is just how everything about Tommy Lee Jones just screams, “I have given up.”

A lowpoint in cinematic history happened at this point – Tommy Lee Jones and a doughy stereotype of a sheriff character oogled co-ed girls in a interrogation room.

The filmmakers would like you all to believe that girls in college sit on couches and stare blankly at older men.  Well, they’re half right.

Dear God….

The look on Tommy’s face pretty much sums up how I felt while watching this.

Fact: many college sororities have altars dedicated to the patron saint of Natalie Portman.

This was the one time in the movie where someone gave it their all, blindly and gleefully. It was almost as though they were tasked with telling the movie it was going to die but wanted to literally put the best face on it.

I just ask that there is no montage scene of Tommy Lee Jones participating in something like roller skating or being faced with unmentionables…



It’s gonna be okay, Tommy. You’re going to go home and call the Coen Brothers.  Everything’s going to be fine.

(pulls out Intervention style letter…) “Dear Tommy, your involvement in this movie has affected me in the following ways: I have forgotten that you were in better movies…..”

And now for the real reason this movie was made….

Look at him, the poor man is just crying for help.

Ever been harassed by a bad movie? Now there’s help. Spielberg’s making a movie about Lincoln. You just have to accept the help that comes along.

Not for this man. The nails have been hammered into an unforgiving coffin.