1313: Cougar Cult (2012)

Guh…

So, this is what I watched….

Maybe you’re a creative person that’s been discouraged by hearing the word “No” from corporate types who don’t want to invest in your dream. Maybe you’ve worked and honed your craft that you’re just waiting for its moment to shine and take off. Maybe you’re J.K. Rowling.

However, if you’re David deCocteau, you bypass the industry and those stuffy closed minded executives and you make your dreams happen.  Even if those dreams involve shirtless men being terrorized by older women in lingerie. So, if you’re ever in doubt that you’ll never be good enough or people just don’t understand you, please be aware that sometimes those fears are justified and maybe its a good idea to not commit your ideas to tape until you’ve at least done a second draft.

Your first question might be, “Hey, is this porn?” The answer is a reluctant no. Yes, it flirts with the genre, but there’s no actual pornographic activity.

Your next question might be, “What if I don’t enjoy things like watching older women hit on guys or over the top objectification of guys in their underwear?” The answer is, even if you did, I’d still recommend you stay far away from this thing. Frankly, anyone who’s within a arms reach of sharp instruments should probably stay away from it.

For those of you hoping for a movie about actual literal cougars, (as in big cats in the wild) well, you’re really out of luck.But as a consolation prize, here’s some cute cougar kittens who have done no crime in this world other than just being gosh darned adorable.

Now if this movie had just been about someone who was raised by a pack of wild kittens, not only would I have been onboard, but I’m sure it would have won every award ever. Because, kittens.

Moving on…

Here’s what you need to know. And when I say “need” I mean, “here’s what a lazy cliche ridden plot looks like”…

Three college guys – they’re hunky, so they look good in underwear, but they wear glasses so you know they’re smart – they go to a “job interview” for summer jobs.

And three “cougars” as in, well, you know.

There’s lots of bad sexual innuendos, bad sound, bad editing, bad life choices, bad everything.

Does this house look familiar to you? Are you looking at that hideous tree sculpture with the high heels in the background thinking, “Wait, either I’ve seen that before somewhere or I saw that thing in a feverish dream where I took too much Ambien then slept under too many blankets.”

You’re right. We have seen this somewhere. Anyone remember A Talking Cat?!?!?!

I’d like to think that these two movies now exist in the same universe. The Talking Cat murdered the inhabitants, then ran away across state lines, then a stupider movie moved in.

“Look, lets just do the scene and read the lines like we’re actual actors. And then we’ll be in a movie.”

 Surprise, you guys…

Its not an actual job these tipping the scale gay men got hired for. There’s just three women who want to kill them.

…and see them in their underwear.

…and take showers.

No one’s being objectified at all. There is a very clear and indepth character study here and if you can’t see it…

Sigh. I’ve got nothing.

Wait, what’s happening here?

The hell?!?!?

Its the most frighteningly bad case of animation in film since…

…a visionary director just put moving black animation over a cats mouth and willed him to talk.

But in a surprise twist that everyone sees coming, these three now “literal” cougars eat young men and stay kind of sort of young forever.

So maybe a very loose sequel to A Talking Cat?!?!?! which by far, a superior film in every respect.

Do you really care how it ends? The director didn’t, so I’m assuming there was a scene where they all realized that everything is awful and they just left the set with a note. Because that’s what I did.

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FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION – A Talking Cat?!?!?! (2013

Right away, I want to give this movie the award for worst title of a movie ever. If you’ve ever taken bad Photoshop as a warning, heed these factors when looking at the poster for this movie.

1). The movie features a different cat.
2). No one has a lawn in this movie
3). Same for the fence.
4). The emotions shown on the poster were not found anywhere in the movie. People took the fact that a cat was given the gift of speech with mild if not dull surprise.

Here’s the synopsis of the movie: A cat talks.

There.

Was that answer too short for you?  Fine – a cat talks and people act mildly surprised.  Also Eric Roberts voices the cat in such a way that if you listen closely you can hear him do it over a iPhone.

Before we get started, lets see what else director David deCocteau has done…

Okaaaaay. He seems to like cats.

Um…okaaay.

Here’s the moments that were forever put on film to be enjoyed for centuries to come (really more of a threat to the actors involved than anything else…)

Cue the opening credits which was really just someone’s screensaver on their computer.

 

We meet this man – his face is large and doughy and we learn that he is wealthy and retired from a company that does computer things.

 

We meet his son – a whisper thin lad who talks about liking girls, but who’s body language says a very different story.

 

 

 

Dad comes home and we’re immediately plunged into a world where if you’re not uncomfortable, something is very very wrong.

Meanwhile, across town…and by town I mean in a forest location that in no way looks anywhere near the other location…

There’s a woman who is confused and can’t find shoes, and a daughter who chooses to ignore reality.

And her son who remains pretty noncommital about his part in this whole movie.

Mom tries…

Yeah…probably best to let him sit on couches and be pretty.

And a cat stops by. To talk to them.  Because he’s a talking cat.

Back in Mr. Doughy’s lavish estate, his son and defintely not someone the director met while having lunch at the Standard in West Hollywood, answers the door to a girl.  Here’s where this actor is going to have to do some actual acting and act interested in her.

Spoiler alert: he fails.

 

Dad walks around in this shirt…

Lets get a closer look at that, shall we?

What exactly does that mean?

And now…back to our family centric film.

The cat is talking. Its totally believable.

See?

The movie is a little hazy on how the cat talks. Apparently, its just none of our business.

That cat is totally talking and in no way makes me think of Eric Roberts doing a voiceover in the bathroom.

Meanwhile, Cabin Mom and Doughy Dad are bonding…over cheesepuffs. And in no way did Doughy Dad remind me of this…

Nope. Not at all.

While that’s happening, his son is confronting his fear of the water with Cabin Son…

My heart says that a gay porn scene is not about to break out…however its always wrong when it tells me to stop at Taco Bell so I don’t know…

Fast forward a few minutes…

He’s still trying to give it a go with this whole girl thing. Kind of like when I try to go gluten free for any amount of time.  Its just not going to happen.

Nothing to see here. Just a man at home with his weird and creepy tree/shoe sculpture.

At one juncture the movie pretends to have a plot in which the cat gets hit by a car….

“Is he okay? Are we keeping him comfortable?”

If comfortable means having him stretched on a bed, staring at a laser pointer and draping cheesecloth on his head, then yes…he’s going to be fine.

And then they do that thing that nobody else does and makes it a group activity to watch a cat drink from a dish.

Which no doubt gave the director an idea for his next movie…