Caveman (1981)

As long as there’s been an influx of pop stars who have been marketed above us mere mortals, there have been pop stars who feel they can act. Sometimes they actually can (say what you want, Dolly Parton made a 9 to 5 world plausible…) and there are those who can’t.

That’s my way of saying, I watched “Caveman”. Ringo Starr is in it.

Ringo Starr, commonly thought of as the luckiest man alive (also see my post on William Shatner’s tour de force performance in 80’s TV paranoia The Babysitter), stars in this story of a budding civilization faced with the conflict and trials of battling evolution and discovering one’s theological center.  Just kidding. Its the story of a drummer who put on skins, mugs a lot and occasionally gets farted on while walking into scenes with claymation dinosaurs.

Best actor in this whole movie was the hand supplied to this puppet.

I will say this – the monsters in this were kind of cute.

If you enjoy your movies with lots of grunting, and a tuba heavy soundtrack that never lets up, then by all means, throw this on. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, watch this….without paying attention the action on screen. Unless you enjoy 90s minutes of moaning and groaning.

It should be noted…

This is meant to be Ringo’s show, and it is – but Dennis Quaid and Shelley Long are along for the ride. Its probably best that this movie rarely comes up in conversations about them.  Until now.
Its almost painful how seriously Dennis took this role.

Dear sweet Shelley Long – she played this the same as if Cheers was set in the Fertile Crescent. Diane Chambers of today, Diane Chambers of the yesterday.

There’s a bit of love triangle in that Ringo hits on the sister of Daisy Duke, but she’s not interested. Then he’s no longer interested (when Shelley Long’s in the house, you tend to rethink these things) she changes her mind. Women, amirte?!?!?

 I just posted the screenshot because it was kind of a cool shot. Even if clay is the biggest thing used in the scene.

Lets talk about Shelley Long – she has her Diane Chambers hair, her words are garbled, but there’s a faux-college snobbish tone involved even when she leads a blind man next to a large pool of water (spoiler alert: he still falls in).

This movie is clearly a fantasy – not because there’s cavemen and dinosaurs but because this is a universe where time after time, Ringo keeps saving the day. I’m pretty sure there’s three Beatles who would beg to differ.

Also, if you thought to yourself, “Its been so long since I’ve had to think about what it would look like for Ringo Starr to squat…” then by all means throw this on. Its 90 minutes of that, but, another spoiler alert, he does learn to walk upright.

Usually I stay away from writing about movies that are intentional comedies (I was burned and burned badly by the cinematic offerings of the Insane Clown Posse). But I went into this one just out of the sheer earnestness that the actors. They gave it their all despite a screenplay with only grunts and moans, and being required to walk around like auditioning dancers on So You Think You Can Dance.

There are moments, slight glimmers in Shelley Long’s eyes that say, “Please let Cheers be a hit. Please let Cheers be a hit…”

Meanwhile, Ringo’s just passing time until the next Sgt Peppers rerelease. Also, we learn that the cavemen don’t walk upright, but there’s no real consistency in how they walk. Some drag their arms on the ground, some are just bent slightly, as if carrying Target shopping bags filled with candy. Others, like this larger gentlemen, just aren’t trying at all. #evolution.

At one point, Ringo invents music, which I have to say, falls enthusiastically under the file “RINGO’S IMAGINATION”

No one can resist the charm of Shelley Long.  I know I can’t.

And in the end, Ringo has a difficult decision to make, one that’s been universal since the begining of time. Brunette vs blonde?

And he goes with Shelley Long. Because you do not..repeat, DO NOT say no to Shelley Long.

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