Fateful Findings (2013)

Every now and then I come across a movie that’s so bad I have to see it again.

Enter Fateful Findings.

Here’s a little background on this film, in case you don’t know anything about it. Like all great cinema, this was written, directed, produced and stars Neil Breen.  Who’s Neil Breen? For starters, there this:

 Is there anything this guy can’t do?

This is not his first movie. Its his THIRD. What’s the plot, you ask? That’s a great question. Its one I’d like to know myself.  But I’ll try to sort through it. There’s Neil Breen and his a writer who throws books, he’s hacking into government secrets and he’s responsible for a lot of deaths. Also women really want him. Like, bad.

We open with   this boy and a girl, and they find a magic mushroom.

She takes an entire page to write “Its a Magical Day!” in graceful, adult like cursive not often seen in the hands of a child, just to commemorate that they found a mushroom in the woods. Then the boy moves and everyone’s just awkwardly sad. CUT TO:

We meet our hero, Neil Breen:

Like most cinematic multi-talented wunderkinds, this man has chosen to embrace every hard angle on his face and make us love it just as much as he does.  So many ill-framed tight close ups that corner you with the face of Neil Breen.

The movie really gets started when he’s hit by a Rolls Royce in what’s probably the best scene ever made of someone getting hit by a car:

You can watch it twenty times and still not get enough of it.

Its at this point where the plot of the movie goes from “I think I get this” to  “Your guess is as good as mine.”

While in the hospital, he’s visited by a spirit in Sears slacks and wingtip shoes. He’s revived, gets up, still wearing his hospital gown, giving us at home a tasty tease of his backside and walks home.

Yep, because hospitals are find with you wandering out of the facility barefoot, hospital gowned and dripping blood. 
He goes home and gets in the shower complete with bandaged head. I’d like to point out the doctor’s failing to properly tend to a headwound as he was due for a fresh one hours ago. I blame Obamacare.
His wife, a tall lady with an indeterminate European accent gets in with him and they do this weird slow dance. I’ve really learned nothing about the plot based on this. Just like to point out its probably the oddest thing put to film. 
Wives, if you care about your husbands at all, you will take him back to the hospital as he is clearly not well. But this is the world according to Neil Breen. We’re just living in it.
You can’t hold a good Neil Breen down. He’s back to the grind of his every day life, which is apparently a best selling author.
There’s a lot of this movie that was shot in this tiny office. He’s on the phone a lot where he doesn’t talk so much shout a lot.  Please not there are at least three laptops placed in the most inconvenient places possible. I have no idea how he gets anything done. 
Maybe its the head injury…
But he’s getting visited by the ghost who wears sensible suiting separates and gets handed revelations.  I think. We also got treated to a scene of naked Neil in a room covered in garbage bags.  I’m sure it meant something.

Once he’s revived, he decides he has no need for his pain meds and he’s done being a best selling author.  This opens to many many scenes of him throwing books at his laptops that he’s clearly not using.
“NO MORE BOOKS!” he cries. I feel a tingle down my spine as I watch a man become the superhero we’ve all been asking for.
His wife on the other hand has decided to get herself an old fashioned addiction to pain meds and helps herself to Neil Breen’s. There was a scene where she pulled them out of the toilet. Its not many people who will kick off an addiction at the bottom, but again, this is Neil Breen’s world.
He tells his wife that he’s now pursuing hacking into government secrets. No other specifics other than that. Maybe its the meds but she takes this news rather well. She complains about her job at the bank and we’re all very riveted by this domestic drama.
When Neil isn’t hacking into government secrets (his words, not mine) he’s going to a therapist who makes him talk about his deepest feelings in a large corporate boardroom.  Its an interesting form of therapy, but if that’s where you find comfort, then who am I to judge?
Because he wasn’t sure that his wife got it the first time, Neil explains to her that he’s hacked into government secrets and also she needs to get off the pills. She needs them, for her job at the bank.  I’ve never worked at a bank, so I’m going to assume its just non stop stress.
She is a little bit concerned about her husband’s mindset, so she slurs on the phone about it. 
He’s a man tortured – with the choice to buy too many laptops.
Not that it matters, but there’s a subplot with the neighbors – a husband and wife who don’t love each other anymore. He drinks, she also takes a lot of pills and blames her work at the bank (Who knew?) They also have a teenage daughter who has a thing for Neil Breen.
And when you think about it, I mean, yeah. Makes sense.
He wanted to hear about her project on elephants, which is a total panty dropper.
Remember that girl at the beginning? Well, she’s a super hot doctor who has not aged a day past 26 and she shows up to a poolside BBQ and gets a faceful of Neil Breen.
He’s been in love with her since he was eight. 
And because he’s the hero in this story, he takes her into the woods to look at more mushrooms, have sex under a tree and find real happiness.  His wife is at home committing suicide with prescription pills.  
So naturally, Hot Doctor moves in and thinks everything Neil Breen does is great.
And the neighbor brutally murders her husband. Its not really all that important. 
What IS important is that Neil Breen has been called for something higher. After all, its been a week and that’s enough time to get over the death of your wife and your next door neighboor’s murder.
So he goes into the desert and stares at stuff for awhile.
He’s done enough hacking so now its time to get everyone’s attention.
He makes a rousing speech that spurs people to cheers and higher level suicides. He also does it in front of important buildings and not in front of a green screen if that’s what you’re thinking.
We watch people kill themselves and then Neil Breen and his hot doctor ladyfriend wander off into the desert. We’re assuming they’re feeling great about their life choices.
With that being said, I’m going to watch this movie again.
Like us on Facebook! Follow us on Twitter! And for the love of God, pick up or download a copy of The Girls Guide to the Apocalypse!

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION – The Host (2013)

In this week’s post we examine a film that not only came out a few months ago, but probably had a bigger budget than all the other films discussed, combined.  However, just because your film

shoot had studio money to burn, does not make it a worthy pursuit.

Also this:

I realize making fun of Twilight is the world’s easiest thing to do – but if you see this woman’s name stamped on anything, its best to just back out of the room slowly.
On the other hand, this is also the studio’s way of casting blame. “From Stephanie Meyer – so don’t look at us if you hated it….”
This film should also not be confused with this Japanese monster movie, which I haven’t seen but looks way awesome:

 

Moving on…
For those of you unfamiliar with the story, its in no way a rip off of Invasion of the Body Snatchers – its just the tale of a alien invasion that takes out people’s souls and wears their bodies like suits. Nothing like Invasion of the Body Snatchers at all. There’s a girl named Melanie who gets invaded, but the aliens were sloppy about the whole body snatching invasion and so the entire movie is her talking to her alien. They fall in love with two different guys and enjoy harvesting wheat. Also, Diane Krueger keeps her whites whiter while looking for pesky humans.
That being said, here’s the most mockable highlights of this little film:

Melanie wandered into someone’s well lit mansion/library/art gallery and was immediately caught by aliens. Melanie clearly has no concept of how an end times apocalypse works.

Instead of letting the aliens put one of their own in her, she throws herself out the window, where they simply scoop her up and put an alien in her.

Had Melanie seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers, she may have come up with an alternate plan.

For the rest of this film, Melanie and her parasite, now known as The Seeker, will communicate. This will be conveyed to the audience by her staring into the camera and talking to herself.

We’re introduced to Diane Krueger’s character who’s name was probably said at some point, but given that her character required for the depth of cardboard, I don’t remember it.

Wooden characters that we don’t care about? I sense Stephanie Meyer has been in this room….

She asks Seeker to write down whatever memories are left behind. Its really wooden and we don’t care about it.

She obeys and writes down a really boring love story of something that happened earlier….

She met this guy while breaking into his house.

Again, Melanie does not know how an Apocalypse works. You don’t just mosey into an apartment and start going through the refrigerator for lunch meat.

She does however get a boyfriend out of it and they make out a lot. Which we all know, according to Stephanie Meyer’s Guide to the Apocalypse, is the only thing that matters.

Seeker then stares at herself in the mirror. Because she’s really interesting in that way.

She does however escape from a guy in a white suit who moves really awkwardly.

She steals a car and drives as far as she can and then has a accident only involving herself.

Oh Melanie/Seeker…..

Then runs into the desert and passes out. Thankfully, in the Apocalypse, a kind stranger shows up every fifteen minutes….

…and that kind stranger is John Hurt. Well done, Seeker! Most people just get a Guy From That Show a Few Years Ago. When it happens to me, I’ve got my fingers crossed for an Albert Finney or Michael Fassbender.

Diane Krueger is on the case! And just in time for her car to be polished within the very life of itself.

I watched this scene and started to hope for this scene from that other Host….

But whatever….

Melanie/Seeker is taken to a underground commune of hippies/survivors where her previous couch flame just happens to be there to tend to her wounds.

“Yeah, she’s possessed by an alien, but its a girl we used to know. So I’m conflicted. Better let it hang around and make the first move.”

There was this flashback, so Uncle John Hurt has a really good point.

Meanwhile, Diane Krueger is not amused.

Also, if in the future, your alien invasion has left you confused as to who is human and who is alien, let their choice in transportation be your guide.  No alien would be seen dead in a beat up 1994 Chevy Impala.

The action REALLY heats up when everyone goes out to the fields to harvest wheat.

Like, lots of wheat.

 

So. Much. Wheat.

They broke up the action with a car chase scene.  Despite the amount of dust being kicked up, the shine will never go out.  NEVER.
These two are the ones being chased, and not, I repeat, NOT in a ad for Foster Grants.
 Thanks to the quality acting work going on, I am in no way distracted by the fact they are posing in sunglasses with guns. Totally legit.

Its legit because the aliens lost and therefore, humans are better drivers.  Or something. For further questions, ask Stephanie Meyers.

One of our heroes bravely hides behind a bush thats shorter than him. Based on Melanie and this guys actions, humans have not done one thing to prove they deserve to survive.

In true Stephanie Meyers fashion, the other hero tries to kill Melanie/Seeker, but instead falls in the water. She saves his life and then….

…decides she’s in love with him. After all, he did just try to kill her.

I hate this movie. I hate it with the same breath and fire that I hate a Twilight experience.

Its really awkward though, when your host body loves one guy and your parasite loves the other. But thats what happens.
“Its Stephanie Meyer’s fault!” signed, The Studio that released The Host.
Just FYI ladies, no man will buy the whole, “That wasn’t me making out with your best friend! That was my parasite entity!” excuse.

When Cardboard Diane Krueger chases down Melanie/Seeker, a classic case of “The Villain Can Easily Win This” happens….

…but wait! Killing goes against the aliens’ code of ethics. So it doesn’t happen.

Speaking of endings that were ridiculously easy, Melanie’s Seeker gets bored with the movie and decides to step out of room. Presumably to find a better movie to be in.

 

Just a gentle alien parasite that only needed to be gently coaxed out of one’s soul that it was devouring for eternity. Simply cut and let it ooze out.
Quite possibly the stupidest yet easiest way the human race has ever been conquered in cinematic history.
“Its Stephanie Meyers’ fault. Don’t blame us – The Studio That Gave Us The Host.

It neatly fits in a dish….

 

…in which Melanie considers sending it back to Earth…

….but changes her mind and sticks it in the body of a dead girl that they found in the desert.

Seriously. That’s what happened.

“Think of it this way- She wasn’t using her body anyway…”

Lets see what Japan’s Host vision looks like…

So much thematically satisfying…..

And if you need someone to blame, you know who to call.