For Your Consideration – KILLER MOUNTAIN (2010)

I’ve learned this was originally released as a SyFy original movie.  It should also be noted that the only two things that the monster in the movie and the monster in the poster have in common are they both have mouths and they both live on mountains.
Quick synopsis – a scientist/mountain climber/overall bland human being named Ward is hired by a seemingly benevolent financier to go on a expedition to find another team that got lost on a expedition (already this movie is like the packaging on a Land o’ Lakes tub of butter). Naturally, there’s some horror to be uncovered, which isn’t just limited to the fact that Ward’s ex wife is out there somewhere (BAM! Thank you, I’ll be here all week).
It should also be noted that this movie has the sparsest Wikipedia page I’ve ever seen.
Let’s begin, shall we?
We meet our hero doing some rock climbing/interpretive dance moves. He’s found immediately by this financier…
Apparently if you have money you can find where people spend their weekends.
This is Ward’s 12 year old son.  Get a good look at him now because he looks nothing like Dad and he will never be seen again.
“You should just send my ex wife.”
“Oh did I not mention that we lost her? So naturally, we came to you to reopen old wounds and pad out the film with a love subplot.”
OH SNAP.
This is her. For a moment, I thought it was a 12 year old boy.

Lets meet Ward’s crew of misfit toys, shall we?

He has earbuds in. I’m guessing he’s the reckless rebel of the group.
She has a computer, so naturally she’s the smart one.
This guy is the standard issue asshole.
Want some backstory? You’re going to have to read it about it yourself.
Wait a second…are these two going to fall in love? Movie, you are impish….
I realize special effects are expensive. That’s no excuse to have 12 year old Billy do them for you.
The helicopter is piloted by this guy who looks so familiar and I can’t place him. Is it the guy from Lost?
“Hey, wait a minute? Medical supplies? What’s that about?”
This guy is also on the team. He’s concerned.
Thanks for the clarification, movie.
“Guys, I’m just going to throw these valuable drugs that battle altitude sickness and possible death  in my bag. Its next to the Clif bars if you get hungry.”
“Dude, I’m going to give you important information about this area, but I dare you not to get distracted by the hat.”
I like how this guy is just willing to touch anything.  Even if its red and dripping.
Also, I enjoy how there was a dead body on top of a tent which was eye level. AND NO ONE NOTICED until someone put there hand in some blood.
WHERE HAVE I SEEN THIS GUY BEFORE?!?!?!
This is apparently how you do mountain climbing.
Ex wife Kate is just chillin’
The first real golden moment in this movie when she sees the rescue helicopter and she starts waving her hands and yelling, “No! Don’t come here!’
Maybe you are stranded on a mountain with a large scaley monster, but if it were me, I’d be jumping for joy at the sight of a helicopter. To each his own, apparently.
Seriously, why be left alone with that? I’m guessing she fears that no one will understand  their love.
Um…Benicio Del Toro?
Michael Pena?
The guy from Breaking Bad?
The monster can wait, I need to know who this guy is before he gets written out of the movie!
Meanwhile, back on Fail Mountain…
Some helicopter wreckage is about to do some damage…
And we see a pensive Financier…
Until the Bhutan army shows up.
“Wait! You can’t just go through my stuff!”
“Welcome to Bhutan…” (so far, best line in the movie.)
I have no idea what this is. I ran the movie back about three times and can’t figure it out. I’d like to figure its important, but we’ll see.
But she’s going to touch it.
Thankfully, not everyone thinks it’s a good idea to wander off and start touching things.
Okay, last chance – Adam Carolla?
Ex wife Kate goes in to a precariously hanging helicopter and stares at him. Probably figuring out where she’s seen him.
Army’s doing more searching in the homefront.
“Don’t mind me…just signing out of Facebook. Clearly not doing any to inform you or the audience of what we’ve been doing here the whole time.”
Just noting where the director got artsy.
“ITS BEEN AN HOUR! WHY HAS NOTHING HAPPENED IN THIS MOVIE!”
“Should we take the phone with us? In case we need to call for help?”
 “Just leave it!”
In the five minutes that Kate has been stuck in this helicopter,  she’s been joined by an entire monster family reunion.  Just like when you offer free food in a office.
I don’t think the special effects team was overly sure of what size these monsters are.
“So it turns out, I brought you all out here to look for Shangri La. I would have mentioned it earlier, but we were all busy with other stuff.”
At this point, they leave their camp because some rumbling and shaking happens. So naturally, go outside and be in the center of it….
Or just wait for death to come upon you.
I just like this look on Ward’s face. It says either a) I just figured out why they call it Killer Mountain or b) people might actually see me in this movie.
To look at things, you only need your eyes and a flashlight. You can put your teeth away.

And before we could really know her, the Only Girl in the expedition says goodbye.

Meanwhile at headquarters, the Financier hides behind boxes that are too short for him and many windows.

“Yes! If I take pills then I won’t know I’m in this movie!”

This guy has had to answer a lot of questions under duress today.

So much duress.

Really doesn’t look that threatening.

If I’ve learned anything important in this movie its that when you’re out hiking, just DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING.

This guy is a more tactile learner of this lesson.

Nope.  Put it back.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

For some reason, the director thought it’d be a good idea for the actors to shine lights directly into the viewers eyes. Perhaps to distract them from the boredom happening on screen.

Their friend has fallen ill. So naturally….

“Accept your fate, Steve!”

The woolen hat industry is really going to miss Steve.

“Hey, lets just blow the whole mountain up!” #AMERICA

SUCK IT NATURE!

Since the Financier is the one with the money, Ward and Kate go back to rescue him, only to find that negotians with the Bhutan army have not gone as well as one would think.

Just a lot of roughhousing, if anything.

“Look, we just want to know where Shangri La is…”

Seems reasonable.

Hey, if the Bhutan army doesn’t come to the Killer Mountain, the Killer Mountain comes to the Bhutan army.

With no thoughts of processing the horrors that they’ve seen today, Ward and Kate venture off hand in hand to contemplate a future in Colorado.
Someone will be by to clean this up, right?

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION – The Stuff (1985)

 

In celebration of Hollywood’s love of making us fearful of anything seemingly normal (who of us hasn’t done our own version of The Purge on a quiet Saturday afternoon?) , so I confronted my biggest fear, which is the pain of lactose intolerance. Thankfully, there’s a horror film for that. And its called The Stuff.

The film poses a more serious question of if we truly are what we eat. (The answer is yes and if you have to ask, maybe you too need a cutesy kitchen magnet to remind you). Its a societal fable of what happens when we as a people choose to eat gloopy white stuff in a purple tub and allow it to become a lifestyle. And when the FDA can’t save you, the Army will.

Let’s begin.

We open our story  with an old man who will eat anything…

If I’ve learned anything from this low budget movies, its you should never touch anything on the ground.

Here, a mannish woman tries to seduce me with Stuff. I am both frightened and intrigued.

Several white men stand on a boat and talk about ice cream, cementing exactly what I thought CEOs do in their free time.

This guy looks like he has a incredibly dumb name that he has a incredibly dumb joke to go with.

“Mo Rutherford. My name’s Mo. Because when people give me money, I always want Mo.”

Someone please feed this guy Stuff.

“Low in calories, good tasting and not a spot. Why doesn’t my son like it?”

My guess is kids don’t like being forced into things by adults with low hanging robes. Child Protective Services will back me up on this one.

 

 

YES! Down with the Dairy Council!

In this movie universe, Danny Aiello is the head of the Food and Drug Administration

In this movie universe, he is owned by a dog.

A dog who can amazingly unplug the phone when there’s an emergency. A sort of reverse Lassie.

This scene began with the guy from 2 Broke Girls jumping Mo and ended with the line, “You’re Chocolate Chip Charlie!”  That’s just quality screenwriting.

For a town that’s only eating The Stuff which has no calories, everyone here seems suspiciously doughy.

Excuse me while I throw out all those old containers of Cool Whip…

Based on this commercial alone, I could have told you The Stuff was dangerous. Bad ensembles, bad lighting, model grimacing…take it off the shelves for the love of God!

Invasion of the Stuff – your family will get even whiter than humanly possible.

Nope, even whiter.

Here’s how I know The Stuff is embroiled in controversy – Abe Vigoda is involved…

Dear God – they got Clara Peller! (why yes, I’m old. Why do you ask?)

Really not sure how The Stuff can attack you if you don’t eat it, but its definitely going to get mentioned in this motel’s Yelp review.

“Three stars for the Crystal Campground Motel even though the mattress turned into sweet soft serve then ate my brother….”

Now I’m hungry for a sundae and some Herb Alpert….

21st century America can be amazing – food is cheap and plentiful and will literally chase you down a dark alley until you eat it.

When someone makes a face like this, the last thing I want to do is hold them by the shoulders and keep my face at mouth level.

Chocolate Chip Charlie truly was what he ate.

What this movie didn’t touch on was The Stuff had no artificial preserves and was as natural as you can get.

I’ll say this for salad – it has never made the effort to rise up and be my friend. So points for The Stuff.

I would have rested much easier in 1985 had I know Paul Sorvino was in charge of the entire Army and hated desserts.

In conclusion, this is how my stomach now feels when faced with dairy…

Thanks, The Stuff!

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