ENTOURAGE: The Movie (2015)

I’m breaking rules with this post. For one, this is a brand new, big studio film that came out just this summer. Two, its not available to be streamed on Netflix, HBOGo, YouTube or Amazon Prime. We actually paid to rent this through iTunes with my friend, Beth.  Here’s the thing – I started this site with the purpose of finding terrible movies that you might not know existed which are readily available for watching at the click of the Enter button. This movie fulfills all of these quotas:

1) Its a terrible movie. The Rotten Tomatoes reader does not lie.
2)You can now pay to rent it on iTunes and Amazon. Give it a month or two and it will be available on HBOGo.
3) This movie made $32 million over its entire run. Chances are, you might not have known about it.

To prepare for watching this movie, I watched the entire series run of Entourage. Not all at once, mind you, but over the course of a few months. So if you’ve seen the series or even just an episode or two (lets face it, that’s all you need to get the gist is there’s these four really entitled guys who hang out in L.A., have sort of brushes with risk and then end up better than when they started (which was pretty good to begin with.)

WARNING: Aspiring actors, do not try to model your life after Vincent Chase’s. This will never happen to you. This didn’t even happen to Mark Wahlberg.

The poster says it all. Dream big and live larger. I went into this expecting a big first world fantasy.  I was not disappointed.

BAM! Right away we’re thrown onto a awesome yacht party where there’s lots of women and money being tossed around like yesterday’s newspapers.  Some of these women….not even wearing bikini tops.

Okay, Entourage. Not what I would dream big about but since you’re so much smarter than me, how can I live bigger?

MARK CUBAN?

Again, I have never fantasized about hanging out with Mark Cuban with bottles of tequila and cigars, but if I’m supposed to envy these guys and want their life, I guess I’ll throw out all those dreams of a great career and my very own space pony.

I’ll say this for Mark Cuban. He was in two movies this year – this and Sharknado 3, which is more than Nicholas Cage can say.

There’s a guy in a arm sling living his best life right now with two hot babes who want nothing more than to party the day away.  This movie is for guys with minor arm injuries everywhere.

These guys have problems too, you know? Its not all yacht parties and women throwing themselves at them. At the end of the day, they have money to make, other women to hit on, and prestigious movies about DJs of the future battling SWAT teams.

I wish I were making that up, but this is Vincent’s vanity project. He’s a DJ and he throws yellow liquid in the air, people drink it and can fight riot teams with it and his jamming beats.  You guys, this movie’s going to be HUGE.

If only they can get the rest of the funding for it. Its made and its amazing, but they need money for…something.

Never fear. When in doubt, bring in the big guns. Or just Billy Bob Thornton and Haley Joel Osmet carrying thick Texas accents and an affinity for plaid shirts. They’re on board. Its a meeting that goes really really well and it seems like all is well.

OR IS IT?

Haley Joel Osmet comes to Vincent’s party and hits on the Blurred Lines girl, but what are the odds that Vincent’s dating her? (hint: pretty darn good). So, because this is Entourage, he makes Ari cut Johnny Drama’s part from DJs in Love, which is heartwrenching because Johnny just knows that awards season is his this year. And because this is Entourage, he hasn’t earned it. HE DESERVES IT.

The other thing about this movie is there’s about a million subplots happening.

Okay, maybe not a million. But its got to be in the hundreds.  One of them is Turtle stalks Ronda Rousey, future star of the Road House reboot. Stalking celebrities always gets you what you want.  Including a Uber ride directly to their house.

Sure, she made him fight for the right to date her, which he loses. I can’t tell you how that subplot ends because it really didn’t go anywhere. I’m assuming everything was fine and it was none of our business.

Oh, and then there’s the cameos.  Sure, you can dream big, but are famous people popping in and out?

Like, Jessica Alba!

Mark Wahlberg! How’s he involved with this, again?

Was there a focus group that said, “Movies are better when there’s lots of meetings in them”? Because the makers of Entourage must have found that post it note crumpled up somewhere and said, “Guys, we’ve got an idea on how to make this movie much longer!”

Seriously, every ten minutes, there’s a meeting happening or about to happen.  Its like talking to my boss.

Remember that whole on again, off again relationship Eric had with Sloane? I kind of remembered. Mostly I was surprised that I remembered the one female character in this show where we actually knew her name. But here she is, and she’s pregnant and while they’ve broken up again, she still offers to have sex with him. Sure he hooks up with other women at least once a day, but that’s just the way every guy lives. Sure, some of them fake pregnancy and STDs, but at the end of the day, its only the women who are crazy.  Sloane included. She’s the one being unreasonable. I think.

Welp, its been ten minutes. I really wish there was another meeting Ari was setting up.

YES.  Meetings!

What does Ari have to do to get Vincent Chase’s cinematic manifesto, DJs Keep on Spinnin’ seen to the hungry audiences are demanding it?

Perhaps have another meeting?

Let’s do it!

There’s other subplots running around. Johnny Drama got a tape of him jerking off to go viral. And it was during a casting sessions too! Thanks TMZ.

Seriously, thank TMZ. In true Entourage fashion, this is only a stepping stone up in his career. Sure, people laugh, but its not like he’ll stop getting jobs. After all, Vincent will always hire him for anything.

Here’s another subplot. Ari has anger issues and they’re at a therapist to talk about it. Ari takes a phone call, doesn’t apply anything he learns and still wins the movie.

Meeting time!

Here’s the thing – Haley Joel Osmet’s still pretty steamed about that whole Blurred Lines girl thing and he’s still not budging.

So they call another meeting where Haley Joel Osmet would feel more comfortable. In a hotel room, with two naked ladies doing things I won’t describe here. But it works. DJs, DJs, DJs is finally going to be distributed thanks to a multi-million dollar investment from these guys.

Dreaming big and living large. That’s what its all about.

Also, Lloyd’s getting married and wants Ari to walk him down the aisle. Because that’s a normal request you make to a boss.

Eric’s baby daughter  is born and they name her Ryan Murphy because I’m assuming the creator of Glee won a bet with Mark Wahlberg.

Is this still part of that living large and dreaming big? Because I am! I finally am!

In the end, the movie’s a huge hit and sweeps all the Golden Globes because that’s what awards voters are hungry for. And Johnny Drama wins a Golden Globe! This is exactly what would happen if a movie about a sci fi DJ went head to head with 12 Years a Slave and Gravity, and then WON.

This on the other hand was a movie about meetings and carefully put together ensembles. I think we all learned a little something about living large.

Wait, Tom Brady and Kelsey Grammer were in this?

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