For Your Consideration: BMX BANDITS (1983)

This movie has everything you could possibly want – that is, if your list of heart’s desires only includes BMX bikes, Australia and Nicole Kidman. And if that was your list, this might possibly explain why you didn’t enjoy Moulin Rouge. Because something very important was missing. I’ll let you figure out what it was.

The plot synopsis – three teens, one of which being a rosy cheeked Nicole,  thwart a bank robbery using their bikes.  Also, there’s walkie talkies – a box full of walkie talkies. And they’re AMAZING. Like, if you lose your walkie talkie, there’s just no getting it back. And if you do find out who stole it, then you just committed yourself to a thirty minute BMX chase across suburban Australia.

Quentin Tarantino called this Australia’s Goonies.  According to the DVD box anyway.

Or so I learned from this movie.  Let’s begin….

 

Its common knowledge that in order to gain acceptance as a legitimate sport, you need a movie about it.  Karate has the Karate Kid, archery has The Hunger Games. BMX has this. I can’t wait to see what exciting story curling has up its stony sleeves.

The movie opened with a bank heist and followed the tradition of having its participants wear creepy masks like in The Town and The Dark Knight…

 What those movies realized is that in order to have a tense and exciting heist scene, there needs to be some dignity to it.
I’ve only added this still because that’s probably the most awesome boat I’ve ever seen.
If you ever doubted just how tall Nicole Kidman is, here’s proof of how tiny she makes a grocery cart. Or grocery carts in Australia are just smaller than what we’re used to.

This movie’s thing was these odd sorts of angles. Like what it might be like to see the movie from the bike or a earthworm’s point of view. Frankly, I think this makes us all better people.

The movie’s plotline revolves around teenagers finding a box full of walkie talkies that belong to the bad guys.  The bad guys will want these back and are prepared to give chase over them.  I’m assuming there are no Radio Shacks in Australia.

 “Did I tell you I was in a little movie called BMX Bandits? Had a scene with Nicole Kidman where I showed her a carton of milk…”
Just my imagining the guy in the pink shirt’s conversation with a date from Match.com.
What I enjoy about the villain’s briefcase is that while it’s filled with your cliche’d stack of money, its also got his pens, business cards and documents so neatly organized. Does he have a day job as an insurance agent or was this a different age of the criminal mastermind?
 Whatever you do, don’t lose the boss’ walkie talkie. Because they’re super hard to find.
This kid has been destined to be the doughy comedic center to every film pastry.
They have him stripes and overalls and everything….
I’m sorry, kid. Life is going to be very cruel to you, but at least you made some people smile during a late night viewing of BMX Bandits.
I’d just like to point out that at some point in the story, three teens walked into a custom tshirt printing shop and had matching BMX BANDITS shirts made. That’ll make it harder for the bad guys to find you.
What happens next is probably the most exhausting long and pointless chase scene…
 Don’t forget, there’s walkie talkies involved.  It’s serious now.
Also boats. Because you can’t ride a bike on water?

I’m going to spare the twenty minutes that was spent in the mini mall….

And where we watched the chase from the car’s perspective…

 

…and cut straight to the part where they bike through a water slide.
And this kid mugged his way down it.

It ends with a guy getting a pie in the face.

Brace yourselves, readers.  There is a big stupid ending coming….

Our heroes round up some fellow BMX casual bandits…

…and everyone gets really excited….

 

And they fight the bad guys by dumping flour and foam everywhere.

They also took a break from the four notes that were being played with repetition with a cheap Casio, to insert some wacky ragtime cartoon music.

Needless to say, the bad guys learned some pretty good life lessons today, thanks to BMX bandits everywhere.

And now with no more distractions, lets get back to the real reason we’re watching this movie….

Never ending BMX action.

Seriously, it’s not ending.

But there’s this helpful advice from the filmmakers. No word on whether or not walkie talkies are safe to use.
That’s not what I left this movie with….
I just want to know if it got better for this kid.

 

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: Gabe, The Cupid Dog (2012)

Its been awhile since I’ve posted, which means we are long due for anotherentry in the “Animals Who Talk But Looks Terrible On Film” category, but when I saw the movie artwork, I couldn’t say no to it….

After all, the dog has human eyes. I was kind of hoping it was a person trapped in the body of a dog, and the only way it could be set free was by getting a human to fall in love with it to break the spell. But that’s not what happened.  And as in the case of A Talking Cat?!?! its not even the same dog that was in the movie.

Instead, there’s a dog who’s owner is moving to London, something about a secret identity of a famous author and the dog sniffs out women.  There. Whatever visuals you just had from reading that sentence were probably better directed and acted out than what was in this movie.

You may ask yourself, “Hey, I hear this movie is directed by Michael Feifer. After seeing this, I might be interested in his other works…”

He is responsible for this…

The man enjoys dogs, I’ll say that.

Also this…

 

 

Just do what the dog says, and no one gets hurt. Or at least thrown in the river only to be found weeks later.

So here’s the best moments from the film.

 

Meet our hero – he sits at a desk and stares at his computer a lot, which is apparently what journalists do. He is bland and vague and the most interesting thing about him is that little dragon thing sitting on his desk. He is not a serial killer.

From here on, the director decided we wouldn’t truly be in the moment without uncomfortably tight close ups on his subject matter.

This is Gabe.  Look at him.

LOOK AT HIM.

(at this point he might be a serial killer.)

This is Eric’s coworker.  The camera loves him enough to be pushed into a  super close up.

This scene involves Gabe the Dog creeping up on a unsuspecting ginger girl and stealing her bikini top in hopes of her falling in love with his owner Eric. Even if I hadn’t consulted this directors IMDB page first, I would have wondered if he had ever lurked inside the mind of a serial killer based on this shot alone.

We all knew this wasn’t going to go well, and I suspect this girl was cast in exchange for giving the director her phone number.

 

Family friendly film or episode of To Catch a Killer? You decide.

This shot did not help me in my concerns that someone was about to die in a really ugly way.

This is the face that says, “Her head would make an excellent addition to my collection.”

“Hey girls, I’m making a movie right now. I can’t pay you, but if you’re willing to put on these bikinis, play with a dog and then meet me in this large manhole thats in the basement of my house, then we should have some fun.” – Michael Feifer.

Stop with the extreme close ups.  The camera clearly does not love this man’s face.  They’re barely even friends.

Now that Eric has graduated from staring at his neighbor Sara through the narrow slats on his fence to actually talking to her in a safe zone that’s the appropriate 100 feet from her house, we can really see the chemistry between these two go off.

Eric and Sara do go on a sort of date. She brings her kids and he brings them to a man who carves dark and disturbing death masks outside.

Eric seems the only one who’s entertained by it.

Honestly, I wish this movie had been about this sassy receptionist.  It would have been called, “Shirell, the Talking Receptionist” and I would have been happily watching that.

It should be noted that Eric is journalist.  However, Eric spends a lot of time not chasing down stories.  Just wandering around an office with a shovelface and not know what is going on. Thank goodness there’s a dog.

At one point, Gabe fakes an injury and gets Sara and her kids to rush him into the emergency room.  I should note here that if you’re rushing, you need to bend your knees to run.  None of this tiny shuffling with your legs tightly together business. Its like this is Sara’s first day in movement.

I’ve been to the vet plenty of times, but I do not recall ever posing with the entire staff with a couple of patients thrown in for extra ambience.

Just FYI, Gabe was fine, but the movie never told us where Eric hid the bodies. Chances are the director answered those questions in what was his next film….