In this week’s post we examine a film that not only came out a few months ago, but probably had a bigger budget than all the other films discussed, combined. However, just because your film
shoot had studio money to burn, does not make it a worthy pursuit.
Melanie wandered into someone’s well lit mansion/library/art gallery and was immediately caught by aliens. Melanie clearly has no concept of how an end times apocalypse works.
Instead of letting the aliens put one of their own in her, she throws herself out the window, where they simply scoop her up and put an alien in her.
Had Melanie seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers, she may have come up with an alternate plan.
For the rest of this film, Melanie and her parasite, now known as The Seeker, will communicate. This will be conveyed to the audience by her staring into the camera and talking to herself.
We’re introduced to Diane Krueger’s character who’s name was probably said at some point, but given that her character required for the depth of cardboard, I don’t remember it.
Wooden characters that we don’t care about? I sense Stephanie Meyer has been in this room….
She asks Seeker to write down whatever memories are left behind. Its really wooden and we don’t care about it.
She obeys and writes down a really boring love story of something that happened earlier….
She met this guy while breaking into his house.
Again, Melanie does not know how an Apocalypse works. You don’t just mosey into an apartment and start going through the refrigerator for lunch meat.
She does however get a boyfriend out of it and they make out a lot. Which we all know, according to Stephanie Meyer’s Guide to the Apocalypse, is the only thing that matters.
Seeker then stares at herself in the mirror. Because she’s really interesting in that way.
She does however escape from a guy in a white suit who moves really awkwardly.
She steals a car and drives as far as she can and then has a accident only involving herself.
Then runs into the desert and passes out. Thankfully, in the Apocalypse, a kind stranger shows up every fifteen minutes….
…and that kind stranger is John Hurt. Well done, Seeker! Most people just get a Guy From That Show a Few Years Ago. When it happens to me, I’ve got my fingers crossed for an Albert Finney or Michael Fassbender.
Diane Krueger is on the case! And just in time for her car to be polished within the very life of itself.
I watched this scene and started to hope for this scene from that other Host….
Melanie/Seeker is taken to a underground commune of hippies/survivors where her previous couch flame just happens to be there to tend to her wounds.
“Yeah, she’s possessed by an alien, but its a girl we used to know. So I’m conflicted. Better let it hang around and make the first move.”
There was this flashback, so Uncle John Hurt has a really good point.
Meanwhile, Diane Krueger is not amused.
Also, if in the future, your alien invasion has left you confused as to who is human and who is alien, let their choice in transportation be your guide. No alien would be seen dead in a beat up 1994 Chevy Impala.
The action REALLY heats up when everyone goes out to the fields to harvest wheat.
Like, lots of wheat.
So. Much. Wheat.
Its legit because the aliens lost and therefore, humans are better drivers. Or something. For further questions, ask Stephanie Meyers.
One of our heroes bravely hides behind a bush thats shorter than him. Based on Melanie and this guys actions, humans have not done one thing to prove they deserve to survive.
In true Stephanie Meyers fashion, the other hero tries to kill Melanie/Seeker, but instead falls in the water. She saves his life and then….
…decides she’s in love with him. After all, he did just try to kill her.
I hate this movie. I hate it with the same breath and fire that I hate a Twilight experience.
When Cardboard Diane Krueger chases down Melanie/Seeker, a classic case of “The Villain Can Easily Win This” happens….
…but wait! Killing goes against the aliens’ code of ethics. So it doesn’t happen.
Speaking of endings that were ridiculously easy, Melanie’s Seeker gets bored with the movie and decides to step out of room. Presumably to find a better movie to be in.
It neatly fits in a dish….
….but changes her mind and sticks it in the body of a dead girl that they found in the desert.
Seriously. That’s what happened.
“Think of it this way- She wasn’t using her body anyway…”
So much thematically satisfying…..
And if you need someone to blame, you know who to call.