1313: Cougar Cult (2012)

Guh…

So, this is what I watched….

Maybe you’re a creative person that’s been discouraged by hearing the word “No” from corporate types who don’t want to invest in your dream. Maybe you’ve worked and honed your craft that you’re just waiting for its moment to shine and take off. Maybe you’re J.K. Rowling.

However, if you’re David deCocteau, you bypass the industry and those stuffy closed minded executives and you make your dreams happen.  Even if those dreams involve shirtless men being terrorized by older women in lingerie. So, if you’re ever in doubt that you’ll never be good enough or people just don’t understand you, please be aware that sometimes those fears are justified and maybe its a good idea to not commit your ideas to tape until you’ve at least done a second draft.

Your first question might be, “Hey, is this porn?” The answer is a reluctant no. Yes, it flirts with the genre, but there’s no actual pornographic activity.

Your next question might be, “What if I don’t enjoy things like watching older women hit on guys or over the top objectification of guys in their underwear?” The answer is, even if you did, I’d still recommend you stay far away from this thing. Frankly, anyone who’s within a arms reach of sharp instruments should probably stay away from it.

For those of you hoping for a movie about actual literal cougars, (as in big cats in the wild) well, you’re really out of luck.But as a consolation prize, here’s some cute cougar kittens who have done no crime in this world other than just being gosh darned adorable.

Now if this movie had just been about someone who was raised by a pack of wild kittens, not only would I have been onboard, but I’m sure it would have won every award ever. Because, kittens.

Moving on…

Here’s what you need to know. And when I say “need” I mean, “here’s what a lazy cliche ridden plot looks like”…

Three college guys – they’re hunky, so they look good in underwear, but they wear glasses so you know they’re smart – they go to a “job interview” for summer jobs.

And three “cougars” as in, well, you know.

There’s lots of bad sexual innuendos, bad sound, bad editing, bad life choices, bad everything.

Does this house look familiar to you? Are you looking at that hideous tree sculpture with the high heels in the background thinking, “Wait, either I’ve seen that before somewhere or I saw that thing in a feverish dream where I took too much Ambien then slept under too many blankets.”

You’re right. We have seen this somewhere. Anyone remember A Talking Cat?!?!?!

I’d like to think that these two movies now exist in the same universe. The Talking Cat murdered the inhabitants, then ran away across state lines, then a stupider movie moved in.

“Look, lets just do the scene and read the lines like we’re actual actors. And then we’ll be in a movie.”

 Surprise, you guys…

Its not an actual job these tipping the scale gay men got hired for. There’s just three women who want to kill them.

…and see them in their underwear.

…and take showers.

No one’s being objectified at all. There is a very clear and indepth character study here and if you can’t see it…

Sigh. I’ve got nothing.

Wait, what’s happening here?

The hell?!?!?

Its the most frighteningly bad case of animation in film since…

…a visionary director just put moving black animation over a cats mouth and willed him to talk.

But in a surprise twist that everyone sees coming, these three now “literal” cougars eat young men and stay kind of sort of young forever.

So maybe a very loose sequel to A Talking Cat?!?!?! which by far, a superior film in every respect.

Do you really care how it ends? The director didn’t, so I’m assuming there was a scene where they all realized that everything is awful and they just left the set with a note. Because that’s what I did.

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For Your Consideration: BMX BANDITS (1983)

This movie has everything you could possibly want – that is, if your list of heart’s desires only includes BMX bikes, Australia and Nicole Kidman. And if that was your list, this might possibly explain why you didn’t enjoy Moulin Rouge. Because something very important was missing. I’ll let you figure out what it was.

The plot synopsis – three teens, one of which being a rosy cheeked Nicole,  thwart a bank robbery using their bikes.  Also, there’s walkie talkies – a box full of walkie talkies. And they’re AMAZING. Like, if you lose your walkie talkie, there’s just no getting it back. And if you do find out who stole it, then you just committed yourself to a thirty minute BMX chase across suburban Australia.

Quentin Tarantino called this Australia’s Goonies.  According to the DVD box anyway.

Or so I learned from this movie.  Let’s begin….

 

Its common knowledge that in order to gain acceptance as a legitimate sport, you need a movie about it.  Karate has the Karate Kid, archery has The Hunger Games. BMX has this. I can’t wait to see what exciting story curling has up its stony sleeves.

The movie opened with a bank heist and followed the tradition of having its participants wear creepy masks like in The Town and The Dark Knight…

 What those movies realized is that in order to have a tense and exciting heist scene, there needs to be some dignity to it.
I’ve only added this still because that’s probably the most awesome boat I’ve ever seen.
If you ever doubted just how tall Nicole Kidman is, here’s proof of how tiny she makes a grocery cart. Or grocery carts in Australia are just smaller than what we’re used to.

This movie’s thing was these odd sorts of angles. Like what it might be like to see the movie from the bike or a earthworm’s point of view. Frankly, I think this makes us all better people.

The movie’s plotline revolves around teenagers finding a box full of walkie talkies that belong to the bad guys.  The bad guys will want these back and are prepared to give chase over them.  I’m assuming there are no Radio Shacks in Australia.

 “Did I tell you I was in a little movie called BMX Bandits? Had a scene with Nicole Kidman where I showed her a carton of milk…”
Just my imagining the guy in the pink shirt’s conversation with a date from Match.com.
What I enjoy about the villain’s briefcase is that while it’s filled with your cliche’d stack of money, its also got his pens, business cards and documents so neatly organized. Does he have a day job as an insurance agent or was this a different age of the criminal mastermind?
 Whatever you do, don’t lose the boss’ walkie talkie. Because they’re super hard to find.
This kid has been destined to be the doughy comedic center to every film pastry.
They have him stripes and overalls and everything….
I’m sorry, kid. Life is going to be very cruel to you, but at least you made some people smile during a late night viewing of BMX Bandits.
I’d just like to point out that at some point in the story, three teens walked into a custom tshirt printing shop and had matching BMX BANDITS shirts made. That’ll make it harder for the bad guys to find you.
What happens next is probably the most exhausting long and pointless chase scene…
 Don’t forget, there’s walkie talkies involved.  It’s serious now.
Also boats. Because you can’t ride a bike on water?

I’m going to spare the twenty minutes that was spent in the mini mall….

And where we watched the chase from the car’s perspective…

 

…and cut straight to the part where they bike through a water slide.
And this kid mugged his way down it.

It ends with a guy getting a pie in the face.

Brace yourselves, readers.  There is a big stupid ending coming….

Our heroes round up some fellow BMX casual bandits…

…and everyone gets really excited….

 

And they fight the bad guys by dumping flour and foam everywhere.

They also took a break from the four notes that were being played with repetition with a cheap Casio, to insert some wacky ragtime cartoon music.

Needless to say, the bad guys learned some pretty good life lessons today, thanks to BMX bandits everywhere.

And now with no more distractions, lets get back to the real reason we’re watching this movie….

Never ending BMX action.

Seriously, it’s not ending.

But there’s this helpful advice from the filmmakers. No word on whether or not walkie talkies are safe to use.
That’s not what I left this movie with….
I just want to know if it got better for this kid.