Why Did I Get Married? (2007)



To call Tyler Perry presents Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married? starring Tyler Perry “ham handed” would insult the graceful subtlety of ham. Thank you Netflix for making this train wreck available in the month of September. Buckle up.



This is Janet Jackson and she wrote a book called Why Did I Get Married, just in case one minute into the film you forget what it’s called. Each year JJ, her husband, and their three closest couple friends take a vacation together, a “relationship retreat” if you will, and she used all of them as characters in her book. My favorite part of this scene is when a student asks a question about one of the couple and JJ’s all “I don’t like to talk about my friends.” Also, like EVERY OTHER CHARACTER, Janet has a deep, dark secret.

Oh well, off to vacation with friends!


Couple number 1: This is Tyler Perry and his wife. He’s a doctor and she’s a lawyer, and while you think about all which 1980’s sitcom that was lifted from, let’s go ahead and start spilling secrets because there is so much going on in this movie you’ll need some kind of chart or graph to keep up. He wants another child (even though he did a secret paternity test on the first one! Oh no he didn’t!) and she secretly had her tubes tied (I guess that’s possible?) because she loves her career.

This is Jill Scott and her husband. See that woman behind her? That’s her husband’s “employee” that he’s bringing on the couple’s retreat with them (oh no he didn’t!). The first time I saw this movie I thought the husband was a bad character, but upon more reflection I think he’s a nice guy to take care of a mentally challenged lady who can’t see what’s going on. Also, Jill is asked to get off the plane because she’s too big for one seat, and her husband is all “you drive to Colorado. Me and my employee will meet you there.” That’s no way to start a week of reflecting on your marriage, sir.


This is Angela and her ex-NFL player husband Marcus. His name is easy to remember because she is always yelling at him. She’s also almost always drunk. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that Angela is hands down the best character in this movie. Side note: Angela is portrayed by Tasha Smith, and she teaches an acting class in LA. Want to learn how to yell “Marcus!” with conviction? Now you can!

Moving on…


Everyone arrives in Colorado, and the ladies are all “Men! Amirite?” and “Where is Jill Scott and why did her husband bring another lady on our vacation?” and “I hate my husband’s babymomma.” I like how Tyler Perry doesn’t use stereotypes and cliché as a crutch. Note that this movie was made in 2007, when we all had a much more liberal view on wearing fur.

 The men are all “I cheated and now have an STD!” “My wife works too hard!” “I don’t like my wife, but my secretary who came with me sure is nice…” Is your head spinning yet? Intrigue! Now we learn about the 80/20 rule. Tyler Perry lets us know that the most you get from someone is 80% of what you want. If you go looking for the other 20% that’s missing, you lose 80 and only get 20. I’m no mathematician, but that sounds like some inspiration that belongs on a poster.
Here comes Jill Scott finally. Good to see that the local sheriff is accompanying her on the last leg of her journey. The vacation can only get better from here.



 No it doesn’t. Despite the sheriff being black, apparently the only other black people this store clerk has seen are from rap videos, so she walks right up to our heroes and lets them know that she “doesn’t keep money in the store.” Yes. The women wearing gauche furs are going to rob you.

This is the dinner where all the secrets are revealed! Cheating! STDs! Paternity tests! Divorce! Can I interject here that for a group of couples that do a vacation every year specifically to work on their marriages, none of the lessons seem to have gotten through? I blame Janet Jackson’s skill as an…author? Marriage counselor? Professor? What does she do exactly? End of vacation.


The marriage retreat was a big bust, because Marcus is fed up with Angela drunkly yelling at him and his ex all the time and Anglea is embarrassed at Marcus’ fashion choices. Why are we tucking a tie dye Affliction shirt into our jeans?


Jill Scott stays in Colorado with the sheriff after her husband asks for a divorce. Sure. If I didn’t realize that my husband was cheating on me with a woman he brought on our vacation, I would be so embarrassed that I moved out of state.  


Ah, Janet can fix things! After her friends come to her asking what to do about their relationships, we realize why she is an author and speaker. Janet tells her friends to make a pro/con list about their relationships and decide based on that. What!?! C’mon Tyler, you’re not even trying. 


The men aren’t much better. Janet’s husband gives them all another version of the 80/20 rule, and they complain some more about their relationships. Does any of this help? I guess so, because…


Months later (?), everyone shows up to support Janet getting some kind of book award. Even Jill Scott, who forgot to tell everyone that she stayed in Colorado and got remarried to the sheriff. Maybe some of Jill’s “friends” should have checked in with her a little more.

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THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982)

Who else had the desire to see this today? Just me then?

Given the absolute magic that was Xanadu and The Apple its understandable the appeal to create fantastical ’80s musicals meshing fashion and sound, cartoon humor with knowing winks to the audience. So some filmmakers in Australia decided to try their hand at something everyone in the 80s was begging for – a big splashy rendition of the Pirates of Penzance.

The obvious observation out of the gate is giving this film the award for laziest title ever.  We couldn’t name it Pirates of Penzance?  How did that producers meeting go?

Producer 1: Its called Pirates of Penzance and its a musical. People like both of those things, right?

Producer 2: People won’t know what they’re getting! We need to give it a more hip, more contemporary title! We’re calling it The Pirate Movie until we think of something else.”

At this point in my blog I give a quick recap of the plot. To this one, I say, if you have to ask, then this movie just isn’t for you.  You walk in blind and let it dress your brain up in ruffles.

How much sense does this movie make? Absolutely none. None at all.

I had to link the 80s-tastic opening credits. Somewhere Gilbert and Sullivan are shaking their heads and saying, “Don’t put our names on this.”

 

The film doesn’t try for seriousness, in fact it tries for lightheartedness in the way that surgeons try to save patients lives after near fatal car accidents.   Basically, if you’re not making a goofy face on frame, then you’re not doing your job…

“Okay, we wanted this scene to show you’ve got muscles, but how will the audience know we’re being funny?”

Maybe its just this movie was made in a different time, but there was some weirdly sexual scenes included that were played up for laughs.  The ’80s synth music just made it more upsetting.
 The scenes start out innocently enough…

But what you’re missing is the weird grunty sex noises Kristy McNichol makes while Pirate John Tesh flexes his muscles.

This scene also got the Ick Medal…

(shifts uncomfortably, looks down at phone….)

“We’ve got a big goofy song and dance number going on…but the audience might not understand its funny. Get me a silly face!”

This is our villain. He’s hilarious. At least according to the director who kept making him do these faces. Espescially during song and dance numbers.

Maybe you’re asking yourself, “So much dignity left at the door. How low could they go?”

Oh, they went low. Low, like the bottom of the sea.

Literally.

Kristy McNichol sings a song called “Pumpin’ and Blowin…”

…while the guy from Blue Lagoon did a weird awkward dance with animated fish.

No one asked for this, but they gave it to us anyway.

(shifts uncomfortably in my chair, stares at phone)

“Chris, this scene is funny and all but you know what would take it to the next level? Make that funny face!”

I guess an important part of the plot is that our hero can’t go out on his own and be independent from the Pirates of Penzance because he was born on a leap year and is therefore only 5 years old. I’ve filed this story twist away in THINGS TO NEVER USE IN A SCRIPT.

There’s a lot of music that is used in this. Some of it is from the original opera, some of it from a songwriter based in LA that had a “lost weekend*” style writing session when coming up with these songs.

*This infers that there’s a songwriter who did a lot of illegal substances in hopes of touching the mind of God while creating these songs. This is never the way to do it.

During this 90 minute music video, there was a music video that had this romantic montage…

…with scenes that couldn’t have possibly happened, because there was no time in this film’s timeline. Perhaps I am a stickler for the rules of space and time.

“Kristy, you clearly understand the hilarious undertones of hiding out in a knight costume are all dependent on your goofy face. You’ll have to teach Chris…”

Have you discovered your movie is funny, but could be funnier? Gather together the largest group of Keystone Cops possible and watch things really take off.

This is not photoshop. During a swordfight, our hero picks up a lightsaber and waved it around. Clearly our movie was not expecting people to sit this far into it.

The big finale was a high school production of Pirates of Penzance set in one of the chaperone’s yard.

People are playing along, but you can tell everyone who went to Julliard in this lineup is regretting everything espescially not going to that networking meeting where all those Broadway producers showed up.

But none of this matters. You know why?

Because it was all a dream.

OR WAS IT?

Happy endings all around.

And well done to the casting directors who picked the love interests to look like fraternal twins.
(uncomfortably shifts, stares at phone when realizes the implications of that reality).

 

The Apple (1980)

Usually I like to approach my films to current events, time of year or what’s currently playing at your local cineplex. Given that this is a flashy 80s musical extravaganza with a board to the head message, it dawned on me that there are somethings that are just fitting for any moment in life. And so, I sat down with The Apple.

For those of you who haven’t seen it, I give you a taste…

I think we can all agree that 1994 was a grim year for music. This movie was a warning and we all ignored it. This is how Ace of Base happens.

Should you need a quick recap of the plot, here it is, courtesy of Wikipedia…..

Alphie (George Gilmour) and Bibi (Catherine Mary Stewart), two youths from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan in Canada, travel to America to take part in the 1994 Worldvision Song Festival. Despite being the most talented performers, they are beaten by BIM (Boogalow International Music) and its leader, Mr. Boogalow (Vladek Sheybal), who use underhanded tactics to secure a victory. The duo are approached by Mr. Boogalow to sign to his music label, but soon discover the darker side of the music industry. Bibi is caught up in the wild lifestyle BIM offers, while Alphie risks his life to free her from the company’s evil clutches. He eventually convinces her to run away with him and the pair live as hippies for a year (and produce a child) before being tracked down by Mr. Boogalow who insists Bibi owes him ten million dollars. However, the two are saved by the Rapture, and all good souls are taken away by Mr. Topps (aka God).

Yes, you read the last part of that correctly. Having gotten down by the music business, the Rapture comes and everything is right with the world.

Frankly, there is not one thing wrong with this film. There, I said it and I’d say it again.

 Don’t let this movie fool you. It may tell you that these two fresh faced young’ens are from Canada and that they’re visiting New York, but there’s nothing but interior shots of Germany. The film takes your imagination and takes liberties. But you will thank it for it later.

Nope, not Germany. America. When in doubt, tell yourself, its America.

I don’t know much about the music industry. I’ve read the memoirs, seen the interviews and listened to crappy albums made by artists who were just trying to fill out the last of their record contracts (I’m not going to name names, I’ll just say that one example rhymed with R.E.M.)

Here’s what I do know, and its mostly thanks to this movie. Your magical folk music may stir up the masses, but if you let a record company dress you in red leather, theres just no boundaries of where you’ll go.

Meet your new boss, kids. He’s going to tell you when your single isn’t “radio friendly”.

Not gonna lie…their “corporate disco” is actually better than their folky entry into the world.

Plus, I really want her silver jumpsuit.

Which looks even better on a man. People in the fashion industry are failing by not convincing the Middle America man of today that this is a acceptable and practical look for the man on the go.

I’m going to intersect here, that this movie had an amazing musical number which involved Old Testament theology and a catchy dance tune that commanded the cast members to dance. No film has dared to attempt this and none will ever reach the heights that this did.

She’s taking a bite of an apple, folks. I dare you to find a better way of teaching the origins to sin to a congregation.

So how far does this symbolism take us?
The head of the label…could it be…SATAN?

Well played, movie. Well played.

Frankly, I think this movie is a little confused on the message. Yes, Satan is bad. And the general train of logic would dictate that if he gives a thumbs up to something, its a red flag that you should stay away from it. However, the music is catchy, there’s glitter everywhere, the choreography is just a treat for all the senses – and then the movie makes you feel bad for wanting to do a DIY musical extravaganza in your apartment.

Also a musical orgy happened. It was incredibly catchy.

“If you really wanted a path of righteousness, you’d come organize a folk fest in the park with me.”
“Disco’s not gonna last forever! Satan is lying to you and doesn’t want you to know about Coldplay!”
Remember back in 1994 where you couldn’t hang out in a park without a record label paid security guard busting your chops? 
God, as usual, saves the day, which means you are free to hold Coachella at your local neighborhood park.
And in case you doubted me….
The Rapture does happen and takes the shape of a Buick Skylark. The music is actually pretty good although you can’t really dance to it. Well, you can, just save your disco moves for another party.
So, The Apple. I learned that people just really want folk music. Or did I miss something?

For Your Consideration: BMX BANDITS (1983)

This movie has everything you could possibly want – that is, if your list of heart’s desires only includes BMX bikes, Australia and Nicole Kidman. And if that was your list, this might possibly explain why you didn’t enjoy Moulin Rouge. Because something very important was missing. I’ll let you figure out what it was.

The plot synopsis – three teens, one of which being a rosy cheeked Nicole,  thwart a bank robbery using their bikes.  Also, there’s walkie talkies – a box full of walkie talkies. And they’re AMAZING. Like, if you lose your walkie talkie, there’s just no getting it back. And if you do find out who stole it, then you just committed yourself to a thirty minute BMX chase across suburban Australia.

Quentin Tarantino called this Australia’s Goonies.  According to the DVD box anyway.

Or so I learned from this movie.  Let’s begin….

 

Its common knowledge that in order to gain acceptance as a legitimate sport, you need a movie about it.  Karate has the Karate Kid, archery has The Hunger Games. BMX has this. I can’t wait to see what exciting story curling has up its stony sleeves.

The movie opened with a bank heist and followed the tradition of having its participants wear creepy masks like in The Town and The Dark Knight…

 What those movies realized is that in order to have a tense and exciting heist scene, there needs to be some dignity to it.
I’ve only added this still because that’s probably the most awesome boat I’ve ever seen.
If you ever doubted just how tall Nicole Kidman is, here’s proof of how tiny she makes a grocery cart. Or grocery carts in Australia are just smaller than what we’re used to.

This movie’s thing was these odd sorts of angles. Like what it might be like to see the movie from the bike or a earthworm’s point of view. Frankly, I think this makes us all better people.

The movie’s plotline revolves around teenagers finding a box full of walkie talkies that belong to the bad guys.  The bad guys will want these back and are prepared to give chase over them.  I’m assuming there are no Radio Shacks in Australia.

 “Did I tell you I was in a little movie called BMX Bandits? Had a scene with Nicole Kidman where I showed her a carton of milk…”
Just my imagining the guy in the pink shirt’s conversation with a date from Match.com.
What I enjoy about the villain’s briefcase is that while it’s filled with your cliche’d stack of money, its also got his pens, business cards and documents so neatly organized. Does he have a day job as an insurance agent or was this a different age of the criminal mastermind?
 Whatever you do, don’t lose the boss’ walkie talkie. Because they’re super hard to find.
This kid has been destined to be the doughy comedic center to every film pastry.
They have him stripes and overalls and everything….
I’m sorry, kid. Life is going to be very cruel to you, but at least you made some people smile during a late night viewing of BMX Bandits.
I’d just like to point out that at some point in the story, three teens walked into a custom tshirt printing shop and had matching BMX BANDITS shirts made. That’ll make it harder for the bad guys to find you.
What happens next is probably the most exhausting long and pointless chase scene…
 Don’t forget, there’s walkie talkies involved.  It’s serious now.
Also boats. Because you can’t ride a bike on water?

I’m going to spare the twenty minutes that was spent in the mini mall….

And where we watched the chase from the car’s perspective…

 

…and cut straight to the part where they bike through a water slide.
And this kid mugged his way down it.

It ends with a guy getting a pie in the face.

Brace yourselves, readers.  There is a big stupid ending coming….

Our heroes round up some fellow BMX casual bandits…

…and everyone gets really excited….

 

And they fight the bad guys by dumping flour and foam everywhere.

They also took a break from the four notes that were being played with repetition with a cheap Casio, to insert some wacky ragtime cartoon music.

Needless to say, the bad guys learned some pretty good life lessons today, thanks to BMX bandits everywhere.

And now with no more distractions, lets get back to the real reason we’re watching this movie….

Never ending BMX action.

Seriously, it’s not ending.

But there’s this helpful advice from the filmmakers. No word on whether or not walkie talkies are safe to use.
That’s not what I left this movie with….
I just want to know if it got better for this kid.

 

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION – Big Money Rustlas (2010)

Every now and then, a film is released that’s so edifying to the human soul, so poetic in its dreams that it wraps itself around your heart and lifts your spirit in such a way that is completely unexplainable.

And then there’s Big Money Rustlas, which made me want to hurt this movie so badly. The tragic thing is that I can never hurt it in the way its hurt me. I went toe to toe to brash ugly stupidity, and lost when it reared its hideous head, cornered me, then pummeled me with the lowest common denominator of the human experience.

In the end…I was defeated by this movie. I just couldn’t finish it. I crawled away from it and thought of happier days – the pull of the tide, the laughter of children.  Its hard to say when I’ll feel like me again.

There’s a plot – the members of the Insane Clown Posse, still confused on why no one will take them seriously, put on westerny clothes and pretend they’re making a movie.  There is a plot that I assume was hastily written on a napkin, which was used to wipe off wing sauce, which then fell on the floor. I’m also assuming the editing floor was surprisingly clean after this was deemed good to go.

Here’s some moments. I hated all of them.

Separately, I could tell you what these words mean.  Put together, I just don’t understand.

 

You can make me read all you want, movie, still going to hate you.

Tom Sizemore shows up for no reason. Don’t you have a urine test to fail somewhere?

 

Here’s what you need to know about this scene. Purple and gold are complimentary colors.  Unlike this man and acting talent.

Let’s say you’re involved in a shootout and want to stay hidden. Might I suggest you don’t where bright white clown makeup?

I’d make a horse’s ass joke here, but its just too easy. Also my soul was hurting at the time.

Hey guys – let’s decide who we’re shooting at before we commit to putting this scene on film.

I hate everything about this movie.  I hate the fact that people got up at dawn and brewed coffee, sliced bagels so that the crew would have the energy to film this movie.

Once upon a time, this was a mother’s little miracle. And now I hate everything.

Bridget Nelson and Jimmy J Walker finally together in a scene that nobody asked for, doing things that nobody wanted.

The well crafted dialogue and cinematography blend so perfectly together in this story, its hard to pick up on the subtle racism that peeks out of the blankets of filmmaking, then hits you over the head with a oversized clown hammer.

I…just can’t.  If this had been a real injury, I’d just assume that we were watching God’s judgement unfold in real time.

“Hey guys! What if we have a guy in leather shoot lasers out of his eyes during one part. Because I saw it in a movie once. There’s money in the budget for that, right?”

Everytime a clown laughs, a child’s dream dies a dark humiliating death.

This movie made me wish for the deceptive simplicity and heart strings tugging approach of Convoy.  May this film be translated to film stock then stored in a dark damp place. Like a cheese factory. Or the ample mouth of a member of the Insane Clown Posse.

 

For Your Consideration….Convoy (1978)


Given the proud family heritage of trucking that I have, I figured this be worth a go round.  There’s a lot of truckers and they all have kooky names and I’ll never remember them. What I do remember is that Kris Kristofferson plays one named Rubber Duck and he’s shirtless a lot. The thing is he doesn’t look bad shirtless, therefore making him a unicorn in the trucking world. There’s a lot of insults that goes on between truckers, lots of lingo that quite frankly, I don’t get. 
View this as a cautionary tale should you feel the need to turn your kitschy novelty song into a movie. 
 I leave this movie just as confused as when I entered it.
Before I start, I’d like to offer my sympathies to Burt Ward, who is still waiting for a call from Christopher Nolan…

Joseph Gordon Leavitt knows, to be Robin – USE THE BUTTONS ON YOUR SHIRT, SON.


First of all, this….

(shakes head, rips up film school diploma)
This is our hero. He’s called the Rubber Duck. I don’t know why.

Here’s a girl that he’ll be trading awkward sexual innuedos with for the next two hours.  I don’t know why.

Here’s some of his buddies.  Their conversation is non stop slang and nicknames. I can’t keep up and it was about at this point I realized this movie might not be for me.

Ernest Borgnine is a lonely man who pulls over truckers for speeding and not abiding highway safety laws. Given these positive things and the fact I can understand him, I’m just going to assume he’s the movie’s hero.

For reasons that are not explained and therefore none of our business, Ali McGraw is selling her clothes to some diner waitresses and dodging any questions about Love Story.

This is Widow Woman. Does she have a dead husband? I can figure out the woman part of her nickname, but again, it seems the plot is none of our business. I throw caution to the wind and keep trying.

It seems Hunky Trucker and Diner Waitress are on a break.  This is the 70s, so I know she’s not showing him pictures of the diner’s Bingo night last Tuesday.

She has a birthday present for him. I hope he can return it for store credit.
Probably the most unflattering birthday wrapping ever. And clearly a case of regifting.

Ernest Borgnine, being a longtime and embattled sheriff, comes into the diner, looking for some human conversation and possibly meatloaf.
Back in the cab…

Probably one of the most unerotic sex scenes ever has just wrapped up.
The sheriff enters and it seems someone is sitting in his spot.

Hunky Trucker is not having it. And when I say “It” I have no idea with that means.

No matter, a fight breaks out anyway with people being thrown slow motion over tables. 

There is going to be some nasty reviews on Yelp after this.

In a understated effort to get me to side with highway law enforcement, the truckers damage the Loneliest Sherriff’s car.

I’ve learned this guy’s name is PigPen. He is a hollow shell of a man.

And then this awkward moment happens. I’ve never had my waitress fling run into my newest Saturday night thing, so I have no idea what’s going on in anyone’s mind.

I’ll bet this guy does.

This place reeeeeaaaaaaallly puts you in the mood for a cocktail.

And for no reason, the movie’s self appointed hero runs a jalopy off the road. Just building my mounting hatred for the trucker culture.

Widow Woman takes a curve too sharply and loses her entire load. Woman drivers, amirite?!?!?!

Because she’s a top employee of whatever company she works for, she abandons her truck and whatever it was she was hauling across the country and gets a ride with these two. I’m sure those building materials weren’t going to anyone who REALLY needed it.

Just a reminder, courtesy of Convoy.

Never mind. The Sheriff is a terrible driver and has clearly taken his safety on the road agenda too far.

Hunky Trucker shows mild concern.

Ali McGraw doesn’t have time for the welfare of others. She has to photograph a wedding in Dallas that is clearly not going to happen.

Here’s an equally lonely Sheriff. Him and Ernest Borgnine have found love in a hopeless place. 

“I hate truckers.”
Join the club, pal.
Here’s where the movie spends the longest fifteen minutes having trucks and cars drive in circles with dust. Maybe this is one of those symbolic things that movies do and then I realized nope, its trucks and cars in dirt.

Still happening.

I had to go to the bathroom, did I miss anything?

I hate this movie. This car decided it’d rather commit suicide than take part in it.

Women aren’t into supportive garments.

Everyone’s happy they crossed state lines into New Mexico.  I think this was the first time someone was thrilled that they entered New Mexico.

And a convoy has started. I’m learning that a convoy is just people in large vehicles with absolutely nothing else to do in their life. 

Including this dreamy hippie pastor that drives the Muppets Electric Mayhem bus.
They start their tour of New Mexico but destroying it.

The convoy’s taken over and I feel bad for whatever car has to be behind it. Look, the Hendersons just wanted to get their kids to the basketball state finals and Jimmy really has to pee.

Wait a second, it looks like law enforcement is stepping in. I rubbed my hands together and wonder how Hunky Trucker’s going to get out of this bucket of syrup.

He’s carrying explosives.  Good thing he’s making a moral standpoint that hasn’t been explained to us, instead of wasting time and taking it wherever it needed to go in the first place.
So they’re just going to barrel through that? NO ONE SAW THAT COMING. On a unrelated note, I’d like to let Convoy know that I really hate it.
Seems the news of truckers clogging up highways and limiting supplies to people has gotten around and everyone’s pretty positive about it.
Local news affiliate really wants to know what’s up.  They ask, “Why the convoy?”
I listened in, because finally this movie is going to tell me.
Hunky Trucker: “Trucks gotta move.”
Damn you movie. Stop pretending you know what you’re doing.
Now the mayor’s involved.  They have meetings in his mom’s basement.
Since the convoy can’t roll 24/7, everyone stops in a field and takes communal showers.
SO. MUCH. HAIR.
The Mayor stops by to do a meet and greet. He’s going to Capitol Hill with their problem. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THEIR PROBLEM IS?!?!?!!
In the morning, they do irrepairable damage to the Earth’s ozone layer.
Sheriff Loneliness waits for them in town, hoping for a compromise but instead, truckers take their loads which have been expected in the Midwest for about two days now and completely destroy the town, taking out everyone’s electricity and basic utilities.

Movie, you have a limited amount of time to prove this Sheriff wrong and you’re doing a crappy job.

This janitor who has sided with the convoy is pretty stoked about cleaning everything up.

When they enter another town, Pig Pen has clearly not gotten over the high over apocalyptic destruction.

So he hits an ice cream truck and its driver. Please let the victim start up a convoy of ice cream trucks.

Hunky Driver gets serious…
Kicks Ali out of the truck. Because he’s a man’s man.
Thanks to our nation’s rampant military spending, they have brought in armed forces to deal with this convoy.  Which I’m fine with.
The movie decides to remind us again, that Hunky Shirtless Trucker has been hauling explosives this whole time while its being fired on.

So naturally, this happens…
A funeral is held for Hunky Trucker.  And no one got their loads where they should.

Pleeeeeeeaaaaase let Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem perform Taps. Pleeeeeaaaaaase….
The Mayor says a few words. He’s going to stop this problem, but everyone has to do their part. Again – WHAT WAS THE PROBLEM?

Ali McGraw seeks solace on the Jesus bus, which we’ve all done during our darker hours, but then she realizes…
Hunky Driver disguised himself as Ernest Hemingway.  You scamp.
Then Lonely Sheriff realizes it too.

He’s fine with it now, making whatever the conflict was in this movie totally worth the man power and state funds it took to resolve it.
“Hey, who wants to go to Mexico?”
Damn you, Convoy. Damn you.