Every now and then I come across a movie that’s so bad I have to see it again.
Enter Fateful Findings.
Here’s a little background on this film, in case you don’t know anything about it. Like all great cinema, this was written, directed, produced and stars Neil Breen. Who’s Neil Breen? For starters, there this:
Is there anything this guy can’t do?
This is not his first movie. Its his THIRD. What’s the plot, you ask? That’s a great question. Its one I’d like to know myself. But I’ll try to sort through it. There’s Neil Breen and his a writer who throws books, he’s hacking into government secrets and he’s responsible for a lot of deaths. Also women really want him. Like, bad.
We open with this boy and a girl, and they find a magic mushroom.
She takes an entire page to write “Its a Magical Day!” in graceful, adult like cursive not often seen in the hands of a child, just to commemorate that they found a mushroom in the woods. Then the boy moves and everyone’s just awkwardly sad. CUT TO:
We meet our hero, Neil Breen:
Like most cinematic multi-talented wunderkinds, this man has chosen to embrace every hard angle on his face and make us love it just as much as he does. So many ill-framed tight close ups that corner you with the face of Neil Breen.
The movie really gets started when he’s hit by a Rolls Royce in what’s probably the best scene ever made of someone getting hit by a car:
You can watch it twenty times and still not get enough of it.
Its at this point where the plot of the movie goes from “I think I get this” to “Your guess is as good as mine.”
While in the hospital, he’s visited by a spirit in Sears slacks and wingtip shoes. He’s revived, gets up, still wearing his hospital gown, giving us at home a tasty tease of his backside and walks home.
Yep, because hospitals are find with you wandering out of the facility barefoot, hospital gowned and dripping blood.
He goes home and gets in the shower complete with bandaged head. I’d like to point out the doctor’s failing to properly tend to a headwound as he was due for a fresh one hours ago. I blame Obamacare.
His wife, a tall lady with an indeterminate European accent gets in with him and they do this weird slow dance. I’ve really learned nothing about the plot based on this. Just like to point out its probably the oddest thing put to film.
Wives, if you care about your husbands at all, you will take him back to the hospital as he is clearly not well. But this is the world according to Neil Breen. We’re just living in it.
You can’t hold a good Neil Breen down. He’s back to the grind of his every day life, which is apparently a best selling author.
There’s a lot of this movie that was shot in this tiny office. He’s on the phone a lot where he doesn’t talk so much shout a lot. Please not there are at least three laptops placed in the most inconvenient places possible. I have no idea how he gets anything done.
Maybe its the head injury…
But he’s getting visited by the ghost who wears sensible suiting separates and gets handed revelations. I think. We also got treated to a scene of naked Neil in a room covered in garbage bags. I’m sure it meant something.
Once he’s revived, he decides he has no need for his pain meds and he’s done being a best selling author. This opens to many many scenes of him throwing books at his laptops that he’s clearly not using.
“NO MORE BOOKS!” he cries. I feel a tingle down my spine as I watch a man become the superhero we’ve all been asking for.
His wife on the other hand has decided to get herself an old fashioned addiction to pain meds and helps herself to Neil Breen’s. There was a scene where she pulled them out of the toilet. Its not many people who will kick off an addiction at the bottom, but again, this is Neil Breen’s world.
He tells his wife that he’s now pursuing hacking into government secrets. No other specifics other than that. Maybe its the meds but she takes this news rather well. She complains about her job at the bank and we’re all very riveted by this domestic drama.
When Neil isn’t hacking into government secrets (his words, not mine) he’s going to a therapist who makes him talk about his deepest feelings in a large corporate boardroom. Its an interesting form of therapy, but if that’s where you find comfort, then who am I to judge?
Because he wasn’t sure that his wife got it the first time, Neil explains to her that he’s hacked into government secrets and also she needs to get off the pills. She needs them, for her job at the bank. I’ve never worked at a bank, so I’m going to assume its just non stop stress.
She is a little bit concerned about her husband’s mindset, so she slurs on the phone about it.
He’s a man tortured – with the choice to buy too many laptops.
Not that it matters, but there’s a subplot with the neighbors – a husband and wife who don’t love each other anymore. He drinks, she also takes a lot of pills and blames her work at the bank (Who knew?) They also have a teenage daughter who has a thing for Neil Breen.
And when you think about it, I mean, yeah. Makes sense.
He wanted to hear about her project on elephants, which is a total panty dropper.
Remember that girl at the beginning? Well, she’s a super hot doctor who has not aged a day past 26 and she shows up to a poolside BBQ and gets a faceful of Neil Breen.
He’s been in love with her since he was eight.
And because he’s the hero in this story, he takes her into the woods to look at more mushrooms, have sex under a tree and find real happiness. His wife is at home committing suicide with prescription pills.
So naturally, Hot Doctor moves in and thinks everything Neil Breen does is great.
And the neighbor brutally murders her husband. Its not really all that important.
What IS important is that Neil Breen has been called for something higher. After all, its been a week and that’s enough time to get over the death of your wife and your next door neighboor’s murder.
So he goes into the desert and stares at stuff for awhile.
He’s done enough hacking so now its time to get everyone’s attention.
He makes a rousing speech that spurs people to cheers and higher level suicides. He also does it in front of important buildings and not in front of a green screen if that’s what you’re thinking.
We watch people kill themselves and then Neil Breen and his hot doctor ladyfriend wander off into the desert. We’re assuming they’re feeling great about their life choices.
With that being said, I’m going to watch this movie again.