FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: Gabe, The Cupid Dog (2012)

Its been awhile since I’ve posted, which means we are long due for anotherentry in the “Animals Who Talk But Looks Terrible On Film” category, but when I saw the movie artwork, I couldn’t say no to it….

After all, the dog has human eyes. I was kind of hoping it was a person trapped in the body of a dog, and the only way it could be set free was by getting a human to fall in love with it to break the spell. But that’s not what happened.  And as in the case of A Talking Cat?!?! its not even the same dog that was in the movie.

Instead, there’s a dog who’s owner is moving to London, something about a secret identity of a famous author and the dog sniffs out women.  There. Whatever visuals you just had from reading that sentence were probably better directed and acted out than what was in this movie.

You may ask yourself, “Hey, I hear this movie is directed by Michael Feifer. After seeing this, I might be interested in his other works…”

He is responsible for this…

The man enjoys dogs, I’ll say that.

Also this…

 

 

Just do what the dog says, and no one gets hurt. Or at least thrown in the river only to be found weeks later.

So here’s the best moments from the film.

 

Meet our hero – he sits at a desk and stares at his computer a lot, which is apparently what journalists do. He is bland and vague and the most interesting thing about him is that little dragon thing sitting on his desk. He is not a serial killer.

From here on, the director decided we wouldn’t truly be in the moment without uncomfortably tight close ups on his subject matter.

This is Gabe.  Look at him.

LOOK AT HIM.

(at this point he might be a serial killer.)

This is Eric’s coworker.  The camera loves him enough to be pushed into a  super close up.

This scene involves Gabe the Dog creeping up on a unsuspecting ginger girl and stealing her bikini top in hopes of her falling in love with his owner Eric. Even if I hadn’t consulted this directors IMDB page first, I would have wondered if he had ever lurked inside the mind of a serial killer based on this shot alone.

We all knew this wasn’t going to go well, and I suspect this girl was cast in exchange for giving the director her phone number.

 

Family friendly film or episode of To Catch a Killer? You decide.

This shot did not help me in my concerns that someone was about to die in a really ugly way.

This is the face that says, “Her head would make an excellent addition to my collection.”

“Hey girls, I’m making a movie right now. I can’t pay you, but if you’re willing to put on these bikinis, play with a dog and then meet me in this large manhole thats in the basement of my house, then we should have some fun.” – Michael Feifer.

Stop with the extreme close ups.  The camera clearly does not love this man’s face.  They’re barely even friends.

Now that Eric has graduated from staring at his neighbor Sara through the narrow slats on his fence to actually talking to her in a safe zone that’s the appropriate 100 feet from her house, we can really see the chemistry between these two go off.

Eric and Sara do go on a sort of date. She brings her kids and he brings them to a man who carves dark and disturbing death masks outside.

Eric seems the only one who’s entertained by it.

Honestly, I wish this movie had been about this sassy receptionist.  It would have been called, “Shirell, the Talking Receptionist” and I would have been happily watching that.

It should be noted that Eric is journalist.  However, Eric spends a lot of time not chasing down stories.  Just wandering around an office with a shovelface and not know what is going on. Thank goodness there’s a dog.

At one point, Gabe fakes an injury and gets Sara and her kids to rush him into the emergency room.  I should note here that if you’re rushing, you need to bend your knees to run.  None of this tiny shuffling with your legs tightly together business. Its like this is Sara’s first day in movement.

I’ve been to the vet plenty of times, but I do not recall ever posing with the entire staff with a couple of patients thrown in for extra ambience.

Just FYI, Gabe was fine, but the movie never told us where Eric hid the bodies. Chances are the director answered those questions in what was his next film….

 

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION – A Talking Cat?!?!?! (2013

Right away, I want to give this movie the award for worst title of a movie ever. If you’ve ever taken bad Photoshop as a warning, heed these factors when looking at the poster for this movie.

1). The movie features a different cat.
2). No one has a lawn in this movie
3). Same for the fence.
4). The emotions shown on the poster were not found anywhere in the movie. People took the fact that a cat was given the gift of speech with mild if not dull surprise.

Here’s the synopsis of the movie: A cat talks.

There.

Was that answer too short for you?  Fine – a cat talks and people act mildly surprised.  Also Eric Roberts voices the cat in such a way that if you listen closely you can hear him do it over a iPhone.

Before we get started, lets see what else director David deCocteau has done…

Okaaaaay. He seems to like cats.

Um…okaaay.

Here’s the moments that were forever put on film to be enjoyed for centuries to come (really more of a threat to the actors involved than anything else…)

Cue the opening credits which was really just someone’s screensaver on their computer.

 

We meet this man – his face is large and doughy and we learn that he is wealthy and retired from a company that does computer things.

 

We meet his son – a whisper thin lad who talks about liking girls, but who’s body language says a very different story.

 

 

 

Dad comes home and we’re immediately plunged into a world where if you’re not uncomfortable, something is very very wrong.

Meanwhile, across town…and by town I mean in a forest location that in no way looks anywhere near the other location…

There’s a woman who is confused and can’t find shoes, and a daughter who chooses to ignore reality.

And her son who remains pretty noncommital about his part in this whole movie.

Mom tries…

Yeah…probably best to let him sit on couches and be pretty.

And a cat stops by. To talk to them.  Because he’s a talking cat.

Back in Mr. Doughy’s lavish estate, his son and defintely not someone the director met while having lunch at the Standard in West Hollywood, answers the door to a girl.  Here’s where this actor is going to have to do some actual acting and act interested in her.

Spoiler alert: he fails.

 

Dad walks around in this shirt…

Lets get a closer look at that, shall we?

What exactly does that mean?

And now…back to our family centric film.

The cat is talking. Its totally believable.

See?

The movie is a little hazy on how the cat talks. Apparently, its just none of our business.

That cat is totally talking and in no way makes me think of Eric Roberts doing a voiceover in the bathroom.

Meanwhile, Cabin Mom and Doughy Dad are bonding…over cheesepuffs. And in no way did Doughy Dad remind me of this…

Nope. Not at all.

While that’s happening, his son is confronting his fear of the water with Cabin Son…

My heart says that a gay porn scene is not about to break out…however its always wrong when it tells me to stop at Taco Bell so I don’t know…

Fast forward a few minutes…

He’s still trying to give it a go with this whole girl thing. Kind of like when I try to go gluten free for any amount of time.  Its just not going to happen.

Nothing to see here. Just a man at home with his weird and creepy tree/shoe sculpture.

At one juncture the movie pretends to have a plot in which the cat gets hit by a car….

“Is he okay? Are we keeping him comfortable?”

If comfortable means having him stretched on a bed, staring at a laser pointer and draping cheesecloth on his head, then yes…he’s going to be fine.

And then they do that thing that nobody else does and makes it a group activity to watch a cat drink from a dish.

Which no doubt gave the director an idea for his next movie…

 

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION – C Me Dance (2009)

This little independently and sanctified gem of movie mess was written, directed and stars a visionary by the name of Greg Robbins. Should this name mean nothing to you, you should be aware that Greg is a powerhouse producer who gave us other titles like Praise Band: The Movie and Pastor Greg.  No, I haven’t seen any of these – its just IMDB told me they existed, and frankly, who am I to argue?
Here’s the plot…
Greg (apparently the Ben Affleck of the poorly made Christian film community) plays the father of a teenage girl named Sheree (Sherie? Sheray? No one knows for sure) who loves to dance.  She also finds out that not only does she have leukemia, but she’s able to do Jesus one better and bestows salvation with a simple touch.  Turns out this really curdles Satan’s cheese , so he materializes, but not before Shur-ha takes some network meetings and telepathizes God’s word to an unsuspecting public.  And then she dies.  Greg displays consistent forms of mild concern.
And here’s the oddest moments…

We open with a woman driving a car getting run down by a Mack truck. She doesn’t know why and therefore the plot is none of our business.

The car explodes, but there was a baby in the backseat that survived. So already its like Harry Potter. Except everything is awkward and unremarkable.

So we fast forward to the present where miracle crash baby is now a teenager and practicing ballet in a paneled basement with a weird poop stain on the wall.
Also this is the parents reaction when they hear that Christmas vacation is coming:

Why do they hate Christmas?
Also Sheri-ee is apparently a perfectionist when it comes to her dance. Maybe its because her upper torso and her feet are never shown in the same shot.

She collapses during her unsynchronized dancing and goes in for tests. She’s diagnosed with advanced leukemia. Dad flirts with her doctor. Clearly todays problems are only minor obstacles to tomorrow’s opportunities.

Nothing gets Sharae down. As proof , there’s a montage at the mall with a uplifting Christian song. Kids these days.

Its all an act.

“NO! Just stop loving me!”

Throwing caution to the wind, she goes to dance practice, but there’s a evil force afoot.  Its like Black Swan, but if Natalie Portman looked confused and unsure of where she should be looking or what her symptoms would be if she had advanced leukemia.

Dad’s got a hot date with the doctor.  Thank goodness Scharaeaux has a debilitating disease that’s amping up the romance.

Or not.  Since Dr. Romance states she’s pretty clueless when it comes to diseases, they decide that they won’t date anymore.

They’re in the car on the way to church when she realizes doughy Dad can hear her thoughts. Her eyes are huge.

Then they go home and have the same dream where someone was drowning.  They wake up at 3:16.

Coincidence?

I THINK NOT.

Dad works for a cologne called Lifesaver.  Please note that Pierce Brosnan has been unwittingly roped into the worst named fragrance of all time.
And for no reason whatsoever a modern ballet performance breaks out. I’m sparing you the sound of the abrasive singer who voice breaks in mid note.

Greg’s real life son takes the stage in a dance that symbolizes him questioning whether or not he’s into the opposite sex.

Greg’s real life daughter stands in the background hating everything.

They decide to save one of Scha-rade’s friends. Immediately one of the angels of death from Indiana Jones enters the house.

Touch of the hand. That’s all it takes.

Since the plot is none of our business, a couple of hooligans from school chase her through the town.  She touches them and they become saved.

Then this happens.
The best thing about this movie is that the circumstances and the reactions don’t make any sense whatsoever.

Check out these two.  They may be the same age, but they’re playing mother and son.

Aaaaaaand we’re back to Black Swan.  Her ballet teacher really enjoys walking with her ass sticking out.

Oh, and Satan is following Shure-hay.

Satan shows up in her room.  He’s not as smooth as when he came in the form of Robert Pattinson and settled in Forks. (Twilight jokes never get old)

Sassy pastor to the rescue!

And he is pissed….
“Everyday, the world is going to hell and its really starting to PISS ME OFF!”

Doughy Dad and Sassy Pastor fist bump and I hate everything all over again.

Their solution is have a battle of the bands.  WHY ARE WE NOT DOING THIS MORE OFTEN!??!?! Our problems would have been long gone by now.

This is the band that wins the battle of the bands.  Ten people show up to watch a group of guys that I know do Collective Soul covers when they think no one’s looking. I smell a spin off appearance in Praise Band: The Movie.

Sharay goes up in front of the church congregation and has graduated from touching teenage houligans to just mindmelding with groups of people and making this guy cry.

Her message is getting out there. Crime’s going down and studio executives are shelving their tentpole releases because they might be harmful to families.  However since Transformers 1-3 still exist this just provesMichael Bay is immune to everything.

They immediately get meetings with every network which seem fine with giving Schah-raaaaay their prime time Thursday slot.  We’re not sure if this was following Parks and Recreation or was the lead in to NCIS. Even then, its interesting they’re not touching the time when Breaking Bad is on.

Another dance performance.  Except Satan pops by.

No, Sherie! Your dance teacher might be Satan!

Oh no! There’s a camera crew stuck on the side of your car!

Black Swan just got reeeeeeally interesting.

“You’re such a loser, Satan!”

Sherie…just get out of there. Seriously.  The door’s over there.
 I’m having a hard time wondering who’s lacking the most judgement.

Sherrie just took a ride on a motorcycle from a complete stranger….

Buuuuuut, Satan’s walking down the middle of the street. Just…wandering. So it’s a toss up.

Thankfully, though she gets to the church where her big special is being shot.  Just by this guy.  He doesn’t even need a camera. THAT’S how awesome Shah-ray’s special is going to be.

She’s graduated from touching to telepathy, but has been demoted just to talking.  Perhaps this was a criticism from the executives that greenlit her bumping The Mentalist. No word on what her Nielsen ratings were. 
Fun fact: Sherrie’s biggest fear is men in black trenchcoats. She saw it in a movie once.
Fast forward to….

Doughy Dad and Dr. Broken Hearts are spending Christmas together with third wheel Sher-ray.

She collapses  under the tree.

Despite being a doctor, Broken Hearts abilities are rendered useless so she just freezes and lets it happen.

Doughy Dad apparently went to that school that teaches when someone collapses you should move their spine around and mangle their arms around.

….and we have a title.

All is not lost because Shurray goes on to figure out if she can synchronize her torso and her feet in front of her Mom.

And I’d imagine Satan is still wandering in traffic somewhere….