FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION – The Stuff (1985)

 

In celebration of Hollywood’s love of making us fearful of anything seemingly normal (who of us hasn’t done our own version of The Purge on a quiet Saturday afternoon?) , so I confronted my biggest fear, which is the pain of lactose intolerance. Thankfully, there’s a horror film for that. And its called The Stuff.

The film poses a more serious question of if we truly are what we eat. (The answer is yes and if you have to ask, maybe you too need a cutesy kitchen magnet to remind you). Its a societal fable of what happens when we as a people choose to eat gloopy white stuff in a purple tub and allow it to become a lifestyle. And when the FDA can’t save you, the Army will.

Let’s begin.

We open our story  with an old man who will eat anything…

If I’ve learned anything from this low budget movies, its you should never touch anything on the ground.

Here, a mannish woman tries to seduce me with Stuff. I am both frightened and intrigued.

Several white men stand on a boat and talk about ice cream, cementing exactly what I thought CEOs do in their free time.

This guy looks like he has a incredibly dumb name that he has a incredibly dumb joke to go with.

“Mo Rutherford. My name’s Mo. Because when people give me money, I always want Mo.”

Someone please feed this guy Stuff.

“Low in calories, good tasting and not a spot. Why doesn’t my son like it?”

My guess is kids don’t like being forced into things by adults with low hanging robes. Child Protective Services will back me up on this one.

 

 

YES! Down with the Dairy Council!

In this movie universe, Danny Aiello is the head of the Food and Drug Administration

In this movie universe, he is owned by a dog.

A dog who can amazingly unplug the phone when there’s an emergency. A sort of reverse Lassie.

This scene began with the guy from 2 Broke Girls jumping Mo and ended with the line, “You’re Chocolate Chip Charlie!”  That’s just quality screenwriting.

For a town that’s only eating The Stuff which has no calories, everyone here seems suspiciously doughy.

Excuse me while I throw out all those old containers of Cool Whip…

Based on this commercial alone, I could have told you The Stuff was dangerous. Bad ensembles, bad lighting, model grimacing…take it off the shelves for the love of God!

Invasion of the Stuff – your family will get even whiter than humanly possible.

Nope, even whiter.

Here’s how I know The Stuff is embroiled in controversy – Abe Vigoda is involved…

Dear God – they got Clara Peller! (why yes, I’m old. Why do you ask?)

Really not sure how The Stuff can attack you if you don’t eat it, but its definitely going to get mentioned in this motel’s Yelp review.

“Three stars for the Crystal Campground Motel even though the mattress turned into sweet soft serve then ate my brother….”

Now I’m hungry for a sundae and some Herb Alpert….

21st century America can be amazing – food is cheap and plentiful and will literally chase you down a dark alley until you eat it.

When someone makes a face like this, the last thing I want to do is hold them by the shoulders and keep my face at mouth level.

Chocolate Chip Charlie truly was what he ate.

What this movie didn’t touch on was The Stuff had no artificial preserves and was as natural as you can get.

I’ll say this for salad – it has never made the effort to rise up and be my friend. So points for The Stuff.

I would have rested much easier in 1985 had I know Paul Sorvino was in charge of the entire Army and hated desserts.

In conclusion, this is how my stomach now feels when faced with dairy…

Thanks, The Stuff!

My Netflix adventures are on Facebook, so take a moment to “Like” it or whatever it is the kids do there. Also you can find me on Twitter – I talk about food there too.

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe (2009)

Its almost Christmas, so naturally, its time to see what holiday themed selections you can find in the queue. In an odd power play by Netflix, you can watch Santa Baby 2 anytime you want, but Santa Baby is still unavailable. That being said, I have not seen the original, so I may be missing out on important story information. Maybe.

This was also a ABC Family original movie that premiered on December 13, 2009.  I didn’t tune in. Chances were I was making fun of this movie instead….

Moving on….

The plot for Santa Baby was surprisingly deeper than I originally thought.  Mary Class is the daughter of Santa and she’s more than just your average independent woman.  She has a job and a boyfriend. Talk about your juggling skills! Plus apparently last year, she got the North Pole in shape and delivered presents. Not sure why Santa dropped the ball, but maybe I should have watched the first movie before this one. Maybe Netflix should have helped me out.

The story is, Santa doesn’t feel like doing his job again, and Mary goes back, but Santa’s got a new assistant and she’s trouble. Spoiler alert: she’s an elf that wants to be Santa.

Anyway…

Mary throws fancy parties with tons of those little lights you put on Christmas trees.

And then her dad and his jazz trio show up to blow some tunes.

I’ve never hired my dad and his group to play any corporate events, but I’d certainly never kick him off stage. Especially since now its just a bass player and a saxophonist.

Being the avant garde musician he is, he wouldn’t have much credence if he wasn’t thrown in jail at least once.

 

Two vests in this scene and no acting is going on. Think about that.

 

Mary’s boyfriend and ex North Pole postal carrier has this look on his face the entire movie.  Case in point, he just learned that there’s puppies waiting for him back home.

Santa’s assistant Teri  is sort of the North Pole’s version of Tina Fey. She’s trying to keep order in a place that’s run by incompetant cartoonish versions of people.  So far, I’m on her side.

Posted this to show that they put Santa’s mic on under a very figure hugging sweater.
Also to show the moment this movie went from cutesy to Single White Female.
 Santa comes back from a drum circle.  Santa is in loose flowing robes. I do not approve of these wardrobe choices.
On no one’s Christmas list will you find the item “Want to see Santa in small white shorts.”
 This dog eats stew at the table.  Immediately, I want the movie to be about him.
Mary owns a porcelain figure of a deer in a suit, lounging in a chair and drinking wine.  This is horrible judgement and Teri’s case for North Pole management just gets better and better.
One thing this movie has in spades is montages. Just tons of montages. Here’s a montage of Luke playing hockey….
Here’s a montage of Mary just trying to have it all and make a teddy bear….
And a montage of Teri and Luke making cookies and having just a delightful time doing it….
 It turns out Teri’s a bad elf who is immediately guilty when confronted.  That being said, her jacket is fabulous.
Meanwhile in less stellar jackets, Mary and Santa are going to deliver toys with less precision than a bitter FedEx worker.
Lessons were learned, lives were juggled. Mary does significant damage to someone’s innocently parked SUV.  Because that’s a Christmas present everyone wants.
So here’s the lesson we take away from this: When a problem arises, just watch the first movie and see how you did it there. Then repeat. Hashtag it later with the word, Christmas.