For Your Consideration – KILLER MOUNTAIN (2010)

I’ve learned this was originally released as a SyFy original movie.  It should also be noted that the only two things that the monster in the movie and the monster in the poster have in common are they both have mouths and they both live on mountains.
Quick synopsis – a scientist/mountain climber/overall bland human being named Ward is hired by a seemingly benevolent financier to go on a expedition to find another team that got lost on a expedition (already this movie is like the packaging on a Land o’ Lakes tub of butter). Naturally, there’s some horror to be uncovered, which isn’t just limited to the fact that Ward’s ex wife is out there somewhere (BAM! Thank you, I’ll be here all week).
It should also be noted that this movie has the sparsest Wikipedia page I’ve ever seen.
Let’s begin, shall we?
We meet our hero doing some rock climbing/interpretive dance moves. He’s found immediately by this financier…
Apparently if you have money you can find where people spend their weekends.
This is Ward’s 12 year old son.  Get a good look at him now because he looks nothing like Dad and he will never be seen again.
“You should just send my ex wife.”
“Oh did I not mention that we lost her? So naturally, we came to you to reopen old wounds and pad out the film with a love subplot.”
OH SNAP.
This is her. For a moment, I thought it was a 12 year old boy.

Lets meet Ward’s crew of misfit toys, shall we?

He has earbuds in. I’m guessing he’s the reckless rebel of the group.
She has a computer, so naturally she’s the smart one.
This guy is the standard issue asshole.
Want some backstory? You’re going to have to read it about it yourself.
Wait a second…are these two going to fall in love? Movie, you are impish….
I realize special effects are expensive. That’s no excuse to have 12 year old Billy do them for you.
The helicopter is piloted by this guy who looks so familiar and I can’t place him. Is it the guy from Lost?
“Hey, wait a minute? Medical supplies? What’s that about?”
This guy is also on the team. He’s concerned.
Thanks for the clarification, movie.
“Guys, I’m just going to throw these valuable drugs that battle altitude sickness and possible death  in my bag. Its next to the Clif bars if you get hungry.”
“Dude, I’m going to give you important information about this area, but I dare you not to get distracted by the hat.”
I like how this guy is just willing to touch anything.  Even if its red and dripping.
Also, I enjoy how there was a dead body on top of a tent which was eye level. AND NO ONE NOTICED until someone put there hand in some blood.
WHERE HAVE I SEEN THIS GUY BEFORE?!?!?!
This is apparently how you do mountain climbing.
Ex wife Kate is just chillin’
The first real golden moment in this movie when she sees the rescue helicopter and she starts waving her hands and yelling, “No! Don’t come here!’
Maybe you are stranded on a mountain with a large scaley monster, but if it were me, I’d be jumping for joy at the sight of a helicopter. To each his own, apparently.
Seriously, why be left alone with that? I’m guessing she fears that no one will understand  their love.
Um…Benicio Del Toro?
Michael Pena?
The guy from Breaking Bad?
The monster can wait, I need to know who this guy is before he gets written out of the movie!
Meanwhile, back on Fail Mountain…
Some helicopter wreckage is about to do some damage…
And we see a pensive Financier…
Until the Bhutan army shows up.
“Wait! You can’t just go through my stuff!”
“Welcome to Bhutan…” (so far, best line in the movie.)
I have no idea what this is. I ran the movie back about three times and can’t figure it out. I’d like to figure its important, but we’ll see.
But she’s going to touch it.
Thankfully, not everyone thinks it’s a good idea to wander off and start touching things.
Okay, last chance – Adam Carolla?
Ex wife Kate goes in to a precariously hanging helicopter and stares at him. Probably figuring out where she’s seen him.
Army’s doing more searching in the homefront.
“Don’t mind me…just signing out of Facebook. Clearly not doing any to inform you or the audience of what we’ve been doing here the whole time.”
Just noting where the director got artsy.
“ITS BEEN AN HOUR! WHY HAS NOTHING HAPPENED IN THIS MOVIE!”
“Should we take the phone with us? In case we need to call for help?”
 “Just leave it!”
In the five minutes that Kate has been stuck in this helicopter,  she’s been joined by an entire monster family reunion.  Just like when you offer free food in a office.
I don’t think the special effects team was overly sure of what size these monsters are.
“So it turns out, I brought you all out here to look for Shangri La. I would have mentioned it earlier, but we were all busy with other stuff.”
At this point, they leave their camp because some rumbling and shaking happens. So naturally, go outside and be in the center of it….
Or just wait for death to come upon you.
I just like this look on Ward’s face. It says either a) I just figured out why they call it Killer Mountain or b) people might actually see me in this movie.
To look at things, you only need your eyes and a flashlight. You can put your teeth away.

And before we could really know her, the Only Girl in the expedition says goodbye.

Meanwhile at headquarters, the Financier hides behind boxes that are too short for him and many windows.

“Yes! If I take pills then I won’t know I’m in this movie!”

This guy has had to answer a lot of questions under duress today.

So much duress.

Really doesn’t look that threatening.

If I’ve learned anything important in this movie its that when you’re out hiking, just DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING.

This guy is a more tactile learner of this lesson.

Nope.  Put it back.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

For some reason, the director thought it’d be a good idea for the actors to shine lights directly into the viewers eyes. Perhaps to distract them from the boredom happening on screen.

Their friend has fallen ill. So naturally….

“Accept your fate, Steve!”

The woolen hat industry is really going to miss Steve.

“Hey, lets just blow the whole mountain up!” #AMERICA

SUCK IT NATURE!

Since the Financier is the one with the money, Ward and Kate go back to rescue him, only to find that negotians with the Bhutan army have not gone as well as one would think.

Just a lot of roughhousing, if anything.

“Look, we just want to know where Shangri La is…”

Seems reasonable.

Hey, if the Bhutan army doesn’t come to the Killer Mountain, the Killer Mountain comes to the Bhutan army.

With no thoughts of processing the horrors that they’ve seen today, Ward and Kate venture off hand in hand to contemplate a future in Colorado.
Someone will be by to clean this up, right?

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION – Big Money Rustlas (2010)

Every now and then, a film is released that’s so edifying to the human soul, so poetic in its dreams that it wraps itself around your heart and lifts your spirit in such a way that is completely unexplainable.

And then there’s Big Money Rustlas, which made me want to hurt this movie so badly. The tragic thing is that I can never hurt it in the way its hurt me. I went toe to toe to brash ugly stupidity, and lost when it reared its hideous head, cornered me, then pummeled me with the lowest common denominator of the human experience.

In the end…I was defeated by this movie. I just couldn’t finish it. I crawled away from it and thought of happier days – the pull of the tide, the laughter of children.  Its hard to say when I’ll feel like me again.

There’s a plot – the members of the Insane Clown Posse, still confused on why no one will take them seriously, put on westerny clothes and pretend they’re making a movie.  There is a plot that I assume was hastily written on a napkin, which was used to wipe off wing sauce, which then fell on the floor. I’m also assuming the editing floor was surprisingly clean after this was deemed good to go.

Here’s some moments. I hated all of them.

Separately, I could tell you what these words mean.  Put together, I just don’t understand.

 

You can make me read all you want, movie, still going to hate you.

Tom Sizemore shows up for no reason. Don’t you have a urine test to fail somewhere?

 

Here’s what you need to know about this scene. Purple and gold are complimentary colors.  Unlike this man and acting talent.

Let’s say you’re involved in a shootout and want to stay hidden. Might I suggest you don’t where bright white clown makeup?

I’d make a horse’s ass joke here, but its just too easy. Also my soul was hurting at the time.

Hey guys – let’s decide who we’re shooting at before we commit to putting this scene on film.

I hate everything about this movie.  I hate the fact that people got up at dawn and brewed coffee, sliced bagels so that the crew would have the energy to film this movie.

Once upon a time, this was a mother’s little miracle. And now I hate everything.

Bridget Nelson and Jimmy J Walker finally together in a scene that nobody asked for, doing things that nobody wanted.

The well crafted dialogue and cinematography blend so perfectly together in this story, its hard to pick up on the subtle racism that peeks out of the blankets of filmmaking, then hits you over the head with a oversized clown hammer.

I…just can’t.  If this had been a real injury, I’d just assume that we were watching God’s judgement unfold in real time.

“Hey guys! What if we have a guy in leather shoot lasers out of his eyes during one part. Because I saw it in a movie once. There’s money in the budget for that, right?”

Everytime a clown laughs, a child’s dream dies a dark humiliating death.

This movie made me wish for the deceptive simplicity and heart strings tugging approach of Convoy.  May this film be translated to film stock then stored in a dark damp place. Like a cheese factory. Or the ample mouth of a member of the Insane Clown Posse.

 

For Your Consideration….Convoy (1978)


Given the proud family heritage of trucking that I have, I figured this be worth a go round.  There’s a lot of truckers and they all have kooky names and I’ll never remember them. What I do remember is that Kris Kristofferson plays one named Rubber Duck and he’s shirtless a lot. The thing is he doesn’t look bad shirtless, therefore making him a unicorn in the trucking world. There’s a lot of insults that goes on between truckers, lots of lingo that quite frankly, I don’t get. 
View this as a cautionary tale should you feel the need to turn your kitschy novelty song into a movie. 
 I leave this movie just as confused as when I entered it.
Before I start, I’d like to offer my sympathies to Burt Ward, who is still waiting for a call from Christopher Nolan…

Joseph Gordon Leavitt knows, to be Robin – USE THE BUTTONS ON YOUR SHIRT, SON.


First of all, this….

(shakes head, rips up film school diploma)
This is our hero. He’s called the Rubber Duck. I don’t know why.

Here’s a girl that he’ll be trading awkward sexual innuedos with for the next two hours.  I don’t know why.

Here’s some of his buddies.  Their conversation is non stop slang and nicknames. I can’t keep up and it was about at this point I realized this movie might not be for me.

Ernest Borgnine is a lonely man who pulls over truckers for speeding and not abiding highway safety laws. Given these positive things and the fact I can understand him, I’m just going to assume he’s the movie’s hero.

For reasons that are not explained and therefore none of our business, Ali McGraw is selling her clothes to some diner waitresses and dodging any questions about Love Story.

This is Widow Woman. Does she have a dead husband? I can figure out the woman part of her nickname, but again, it seems the plot is none of our business. I throw caution to the wind and keep trying.

It seems Hunky Trucker and Diner Waitress are on a break.  This is the 70s, so I know she’s not showing him pictures of the diner’s Bingo night last Tuesday.

She has a birthday present for him. I hope he can return it for store credit.
Probably the most unflattering birthday wrapping ever. And clearly a case of regifting.

Ernest Borgnine, being a longtime and embattled sheriff, comes into the diner, looking for some human conversation and possibly meatloaf.
Back in the cab…

Probably one of the most unerotic sex scenes ever has just wrapped up.
The sheriff enters and it seems someone is sitting in his spot.

Hunky Trucker is not having it. And when I say “It” I have no idea with that means.

No matter, a fight breaks out anyway with people being thrown slow motion over tables. 

There is going to be some nasty reviews on Yelp after this.

In a understated effort to get me to side with highway law enforcement, the truckers damage the Loneliest Sherriff’s car.

I’ve learned this guy’s name is PigPen. He is a hollow shell of a man.

And then this awkward moment happens. I’ve never had my waitress fling run into my newest Saturday night thing, so I have no idea what’s going on in anyone’s mind.

I’ll bet this guy does.

This place reeeeeaaaaaaallly puts you in the mood for a cocktail.

And for no reason, the movie’s self appointed hero runs a jalopy off the road. Just building my mounting hatred for the trucker culture.

Widow Woman takes a curve too sharply and loses her entire load. Woman drivers, amirite?!?!?!

Because she’s a top employee of whatever company she works for, she abandons her truck and whatever it was she was hauling across the country and gets a ride with these two. I’m sure those building materials weren’t going to anyone who REALLY needed it.

Just a reminder, courtesy of Convoy.

Never mind. The Sheriff is a terrible driver and has clearly taken his safety on the road agenda too far.

Hunky Trucker shows mild concern.

Ali McGraw doesn’t have time for the welfare of others. She has to photograph a wedding in Dallas that is clearly not going to happen.

Here’s an equally lonely Sheriff. Him and Ernest Borgnine have found love in a hopeless place. 

“I hate truckers.”
Join the club, pal.
Here’s where the movie spends the longest fifteen minutes having trucks and cars drive in circles with dust. Maybe this is one of those symbolic things that movies do and then I realized nope, its trucks and cars in dirt.

Still happening.

I had to go to the bathroom, did I miss anything?

I hate this movie. This car decided it’d rather commit suicide than take part in it.

Women aren’t into supportive garments.

Everyone’s happy they crossed state lines into New Mexico.  I think this was the first time someone was thrilled that they entered New Mexico.

And a convoy has started. I’m learning that a convoy is just people in large vehicles with absolutely nothing else to do in their life. 

Including this dreamy hippie pastor that drives the Muppets Electric Mayhem bus.
They start their tour of New Mexico but destroying it.

The convoy’s taken over and I feel bad for whatever car has to be behind it. Look, the Hendersons just wanted to get their kids to the basketball state finals and Jimmy really has to pee.

Wait a second, it looks like law enforcement is stepping in. I rubbed my hands together and wonder how Hunky Trucker’s going to get out of this bucket of syrup.

He’s carrying explosives.  Good thing he’s making a moral standpoint that hasn’t been explained to us, instead of wasting time and taking it wherever it needed to go in the first place.
So they’re just going to barrel through that? NO ONE SAW THAT COMING. On a unrelated note, I’d like to let Convoy know that I really hate it.
Seems the news of truckers clogging up highways and limiting supplies to people has gotten around and everyone’s pretty positive about it.
Local news affiliate really wants to know what’s up.  They ask, “Why the convoy?”
I listened in, because finally this movie is going to tell me.
Hunky Trucker: “Trucks gotta move.”
Damn you movie. Stop pretending you know what you’re doing.
Now the mayor’s involved.  They have meetings in his mom’s basement.
Since the convoy can’t roll 24/7, everyone stops in a field and takes communal showers.
SO. MUCH. HAIR.
The Mayor stops by to do a meet and greet. He’s going to Capitol Hill with their problem. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THEIR PROBLEM IS?!?!?!!
In the morning, they do irrepairable damage to the Earth’s ozone layer.
Sheriff Loneliness waits for them in town, hoping for a compromise but instead, truckers take their loads which have been expected in the Midwest for about two days now and completely destroy the town, taking out everyone’s electricity and basic utilities.

Movie, you have a limited amount of time to prove this Sheriff wrong and you’re doing a crappy job.

This janitor who has sided with the convoy is pretty stoked about cleaning everything up.

When they enter another town, Pig Pen has clearly not gotten over the high over apocalyptic destruction.

So he hits an ice cream truck and its driver. Please let the victim start up a convoy of ice cream trucks.

Hunky Driver gets serious…
Kicks Ali out of the truck. Because he’s a man’s man.
Thanks to our nation’s rampant military spending, they have brought in armed forces to deal with this convoy.  Which I’m fine with.
The movie decides to remind us again, that Hunky Shirtless Trucker has been hauling explosives this whole time while its being fired on.

So naturally, this happens…
A funeral is held for Hunky Trucker.  And no one got their loads where they should.

Pleeeeeeeaaaaase let Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem perform Taps. Pleeeeeaaaaaase….
The Mayor says a few words. He’s going to stop this problem, but everyone has to do their part. Again – WHAT WAS THE PROBLEM?

Ali McGraw seeks solace on the Jesus bus, which we’ve all done during our darker hours, but then she realizes…
Hunky Driver disguised himself as Ernest Hemingway.  You scamp.
Then Lonely Sheriff realizes it too.

He’s fine with it now, making whatever the conflict was in this movie totally worth the man power and state funds it took to resolve it.
“Hey, who wants to go to Mexico?”
Damn you, Convoy. Damn you.

 

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION – C Me Dance (2009)

This little independently and sanctified gem of movie mess was written, directed and stars a visionary by the name of Greg Robbins. Should this name mean nothing to you, you should be aware that Greg is a powerhouse producer who gave us other titles like Praise Band: The Movie and Pastor Greg.  No, I haven’t seen any of these – its just IMDB told me they existed, and frankly, who am I to argue?
Here’s the plot…
Greg (apparently the Ben Affleck of the poorly made Christian film community) plays the father of a teenage girl named Sheree (Sherie? Sheray? No one knows for sure) who loves to dance.  She also finds out that not only does she have leukemia, but she’s able to do Jesus one better and bestows salvation with a simple touch.  Turns out this really curdles Satan’s cheese , so he materializes, but not before Shur-ha takes some network meetings and telepathizes God’s word to an unsuspecting public.  And then she dies.  Greg displays consistent forms of mild concern.
And here’s the oddest moments…

We open with a woman driving a car getting run down by a Mack truck. She doesn’t know why and therefore the plot is none of our business.

The car explodes, but there was a baby in the backseat that survived. So already its like Harry Potter. Except everything is awkward and unremarkable.

So we fast forward to the present where miracle crash baby is now a teenager and practicing ballet in a paneled basement with a weird poop stain on the wall.
Also this is the parents reaction when they hear that Christmas vacation is coming:

Why do they hate Christmas?
Also Sheri-ee is apparently a perfectionist when it comes to her dance. Maybe its because her upper torso and her feet are never shown in the same shot.

She collapses during her unsynchronized dancing and goes in for tests. She’s diagnosed with advanced leukemia. Dad flirts with her doctor. Clearly todays problems are only minor obstacles to tomorrow’s opportunities.

Nothing gets Sharae down. As proof , there’s a montage at the mall with a uplifting Christian song. Kids these days.

Its all an act.

“NO! Just stop loving me!”

Throwing caution to the wind, she goes to dance practice, but there’s a evil force afoot.  Its like Black Swan, but if Natalie Portman looked confused and unsure of where she should be looking or what her symptoms would be if she had advanced leukemia.

Dad’s got a hot date with the doctor.  Thank goodness Scharaeaux has a debilitating disease that’s amping up the romance.

Or not.  Since Dr. Romance states she’s pretty clueless when it comes to diseases, they decide that they won’t date anymore.

They’re in the car on the way to church when she realizes doughy Dad can hear her thoughts. Her eyes are huge.

Then they go home and have the same dream where someone was drowning.  They wake up at 3:16.

Coincidence?

I THINK NOT.

Dad works for a cologne called Lifesaver.  Please note that Pierce Brosnan has been unwittingly roped into the worst named fragrance of all time.
And for no reason whatsoever a modern ballet performance breaks out. I’m sparing you the sound of the abrasive singer who voice breaks in mid note.

Greg’s real life son takes the stage in a dance that symbolizes him questioning whether or not he’s into the opposite sex.

Greg’s real life daughter stands in the background hating everything.

They decide to save one of Scha-rade’s friends. Immediately one of the angels of death from Indiana Jones enters the house.

Touch of the hand. That’s all it takes.

Since the plot is none of our business, a couple of hooligans from school chase her through the town.  She touches them and they become saved.

Then this happens.
The best thing about this movie is that the circumstances and the reactions don’t make any sense whatsoever.

Check out these two.  They may be the same age, but they’re playing mother and son.

Aaaaaaand we’re back to Black Swan.  Her ballet teacher really enjoys walking with her ass sticking out.

Oh, and Satan is following Shure-hay.

Satan shows up in her room.  He’s not as smooth as when he came in the form of Robert Pattinson and settled in Forks. (Twilight jokes never get old)

Sassy pastor to the rescue!

And he is pissed….
“Everyday, the world is going to hell and its really starting to PISS ME OFF!”

Doughy Dad and Sassy Pastor fist bump and I hate everything all over again.

Their solution is have a battle of the bands.  WHY ARE WE NOT DOING THIS MORE OFTEN!??!?! Our problems would have been long gone by now.

This is the band that wins the battle of the bands.  Ten people show up to watch a group of guys that I know do Collective Soul covers when they think no one’s looking. I smell a spin off appearance in Praise Band: The Movie.

Sharay goes up in front of the church congregation and has graduated from touching teenage houligans to just mindmelding with groups of people and making this guy cry.

Her message is getting out there. Crime’s going down and studio executives are shelving their tentpole releases because they might be harmful to families.  However since Transformers 1-3 still exist this just provesMichael Bay is immune to everything.

They immediately get meetings with every network which seem fine with giving Schah-raaaaay their prime time Thursday slot.  We’re not sure if this was following Parks and Recreation or was the lead in to NCIS. Even then, its interesting they’re not touching the time when Breaking Bad is on.

Another dance performance.  Except Satan pops by.

No, Sherie! Your dance teacher might be Satan!

Oh no! There’s a camera crew stuck on the side of your car!

Black Swan just got reeeeeeally interesting.

“You’re such a loser, Satan!”

Sherie…just get out of there. Seriously.  The door’s over there.
 I’m having a hard time wondering who’s lacking the most judgement.

Sherrie just took a ride on a motorcycle from a complete stranger….

Buuuuuut, Satan’s walking down the middle of the street. Just…wandering. So it’s a toss up.

Thankfully, though she gets to the church where her big special is being shot.  Just by this guy.  He doesn’t even need a camera. THAT’S how awesome Shah-ray’s special is going to be.

She’s graduated from touching to telepathy, but has been demoted just to talking.  Perhaps this was a criticism from the executives that greenlit her bumping The Mentalist. No word on what her Nielsen ratings were. 
Fun fact: Sherrie’s biggest fear is men in black trenchcoats. She saw it in a movie once.
Fast forward to….

Doughy Dad and Dr. Broken Hearts are spending Christmas together with third wheel Sher-ray.

She collapses  under the tree.

Despite being a doctor, Broken Hearts abilities are rendered useless so she just freezes and lets it happen.

Doughy Dad apparently went to that school that teaches when someone collapses you should move their spine around and mangle their arms around.

….and we have a title.

All is not lost because Shurray goes on to figure out if she can synchronize her torso and her feet in front of her Mom.

And I’d imagine Satan is still wandering in traffic somewhere….