FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe (2009)

Its almost Christmas, so naturally, its time to see what holiday themed selections you can find in the queue. In an odd power play by Netflix, you can watch Santa Baby 2 anytime you want, but Santa Baby is still unavailable. That being said, I have not seen the original, so I may be missing out on important story information. Maybe.

This was also a ABC Family original movie that premiered on December 13, 2009.  I didn’t tune in. Chances were I was making fun of this movie instead….

Moving on….

The plot for Santa Baby was surprisingly deeper than I originally thought.  Mary Class is the daughter of Santa and she’s more than just your average independent woman.  She has a job and a boyfriend. Talk about your juggling skills! Plus apparently last year, she got the North Pole in shape and delivered presents. Not sure why Santa dropped the ball, but maybe I should have watched the first movie before this one. Maybe Netflix should have helped me out.

The story is, Santa doesn’t feel like doing his job again, and Mary goes back, but Santa’s got a new assistant and she’s trouble. Spoiler alert: she’s an elf that wants to be Santa.

Anyway…

Mary throws fancy parties with tons of those little lights you put on Christmas trees.

And then her dad and his jazz trio show up to blow some tunes.

I’ve never hired my dad and his group to play any corporate events, but I’d certainly never kick him off stage. Especially since now its just a bass player and a saxophonist.

Being the avant garde musician he is, he wouldn’t have much credence if he wasn’t thrown in jail at least once.

 

Two vests in this scene and no acting is going on. Think about that.

 

Mary’s boyfriend and ex North Pole postal carrier has this look on his face the entire movie.  Case in point, he just learned that there’s puppies waiting for him back home.

Santa’s assistant Teri  is sort of the North Pole’s version of Tina Fey. She’s trying to keep order in a place that’s run by incompetant cartoonish versions of people.  So far, I’m on her side.

Posted this to show that they put Santa’s mic on under a very figure hugging sweater.
Also to show the moment this movie went from cutesy to Single White Female.
 Santa comes back from a drum circle.  Santa is in loose flowing robes. I do not approve of these wardrobe choices.
On no one’s Christmas list will you find the item “Want to see Santa in small white shorts.”
 This dog eats stew at the table.  Immediately, I want the movie to be about him.
Mary owns a porcelain figure of a deer in a suit, lounging in a chair and drinking wine.  This is horrible judgement and Teri’s case for North Pole management just gets better and better.
One thing this movie has in spades is montages. Just tons of montages. Here’s a montage of Luke playing hockey….
Here’s a montage of Mary just trying to have it all and make a teddy bear….
And a montage of Teri and Luke making cookies and having just a delightful time doing it….
 It turns out Teri’s a bad elf who is immediately guilty when confronted.  That being said, her jacket is fabulous.
Meanwhile in less stellar jackets, Mary and Santa are going to deliver toys with less precision than a bitter FedEx worker.
Lessons were learned, lives were juggled. Mary does significant damage to someone’s innocently parked SUV.  Because that’s a Christmas present everyone wants.
So here’s the lesson we take away from this: When a problem arises, just watch the first movie and see how you did it there. Then repeat. Hashtag it later with the word, Christmas.

 

 

 

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: Beverly Hills Madam (1986)

 

 

 

 

 

Folks, there’s nothing more than I enjoy than over the top 80’s grandeur that fits neatly in a TV screen, which Beverly Hills Madam has in spades.Champagne in chilled decanturs! Bejeweled shoulder pads! Floor length furs! Sheer white nylons!

So put on your best fluffy slipper pumps and strap in.

Actress extraordinaire Faye Dunaway IS the Beverly Hills Madam and she runs a tight ship. She employs the blonde from Bosom Buddies, Flash Gordon’s girlfriend and…wait for it…Robin Givens.  Time to enjoy that chilled Shasta soda.

We’ll not only watch and see the trials of running a top Beverly Hills escort service, but we’ll also see the career trajectories of these girls.  One’s got the seniority, one’s fresh off the wagon, one’s in school and one’s black.  This movie has layers.

We open on Lil Cummins. She’s fierce, she goes shopping, she wears color coordinated separates.

She has lunch with her most experienced show pony, who’s come with some bad news. She’s getting married and out of the game.  I immediately recognized her

 

from one of my all time favorite movies….

Dale Arden from Flash Gordon? After he conquered Mongo, did they realize it just wasn’t going to work out? Is that why she works for Faye Dunaway?

Meanwhile this fresh faced kid has just come to LA. She’s lost and upset. So naturally….

Faye Dunaway’s recruitment skills are amazing. She’ll happily take you to the Sunset Strip and give you an aggressive sales pitch at the same time.

Seriously, its impossible to walk down the streets of LA WITHOUT being offered a job.

Meanwhile, we have Robin Givens being scoped out…

Its stressed that the Beverly Hills Madam does lots of background checking before handing her girls off to them. You have to – there’s a lot of creeps out there.

Any second thoughts?

Eh – he’s probably fine.

Let’s say you’ve been in the high class prostitution industry for awhile and you meet someone in high class society…

A slight occupational hazard is your fiancee introducing you to someone you’ve already slept with.

“Look, in the six weeks that we’ve known each other and gotten engaged, she would have surely said something!”

Weirdly, I think LEGO Friends makes this exact same playset.

Yep.

Robin Givens isn’t just a high class prostitute. She’s got DREAMS.

Also, I like this arty shot of us looking in a reflective mirror at a girl who doesn’t know that despite her potential for greater things, it just ain’t gonna happen.

Meanwhile in the City of High Class Failure, Flash Gordon’s girlfriend deals with life’s disappointments by seducing a delivery guy from a liquor store.

Since when do liquor stores do deliveries? What kind of magical time was the 80s anyway?

Faye Dunaway’s idea of a job orientation is to send her to Captain Kangaroo lookalike for personal evaluation. This movie found itself a new bottom in the Creepster Basement.

Flash Gordon’s girlfriend comes to beg for her job back despite being broken hearted and a budding alcoholic. Thankfully, Faye is in a good mood and happened to be rehearsing for her role in On Golden Pond.

She’s ready to go back to work. I know she is, because she keeps a liquor bottle next to her makeup.

Its makeover montage time!

She doesn’t know it but Julia Roberts is taking notes on this performance. The notes being “Make any face but this.”

Wait, one of the girls is pregnant?Who saw that coming?!?!?

Also, I didn’t know the dress code of the 80s prostitute was “Second Grade Teacher.”

The new girl has her first job – some father hired her for his son who just turned 18.

Aaaaaaaand this movie just went down in the Creepster Basement and discovered another flight of stairs going even further down.

If you had asked me to describe a Beverly Hills madam’s bedroom, I would have never guessed something out of a JC Penney catalog. So many frills and plaid.

“Wait a second – I’m having sex for money?!?!? But that’s just cheap and degrading! Why didn’t anyone tell me!”

“What? A guy who is using me for my body might not treat me well? Well, this is just unexpected!”

Flash Gordon’s girlfriend comes back with a vengeance and wrestles power away from Faye Dunaway becoming the new Beverly Hills Madam. The last thing we see is her answering the phone and booking girls that she doesn’t have, given that the ones on staff have all quit over creative differences, gotten pregnant or murdered.

Faye just stared into the mirror and saw her career sliding away…quietly into the night as if her Oscar nomination never happened.

“My sister? My daughter? How did it go again?”

Beverly Hills Madam – thank you for teaching me on how to live and love again.

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION – The Host (2013)

In this week’s post we examine a film that not only came out a few months ago, but probably had a bigger budget than all the other films discussed, combined.  However, just because your film

shoot had studio money to burn, does not make it a worthy pursuit.

Also this:

I realize making fun of Twilight is the world’s easiest thing to do – but if you see this woman’s name stamped on anything, its best to just back out of the room slowly.
On the other hand, this is also the studio’s way of casting blame. “From Stephanie Meyer – so don’t look at us if you hated it….”
This film should also not be confused with this Japanese monster movie, which I haven’t seen but looks way awesome:

 

Moving on…
For those of you unfamiliar with the story, its in no way a rip off of Invasion of the Body Snatchers – its just the tale of a alien invasion that takes out people’s souls and wears their bodies like suits. Nothing like Invasion of the Body Snatchers at all. There’s a girl named Melanie who gets invaded, but the aliens were sloppy about the whole body snatching invasion and so the entire movie is her talking to her alien. They fall in love with two different guys and enjoy harvesting wheat. Also, Diane Krueger keeps her whites whiter while looking for pesky humans.
That being said, here’s the most mockable highlights of this little film:

Melanie wandered into someone’s well lit mansion/library/art gallery and was immediately caught by aliens. Melanie clearly has no concept of how an end times apocalypse works.

Instead of letting the aliens put one of their own in her, she throws herself out the window, where they simply scoop her up and put an alien in her.

Had Melanie seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers, she may have come up with an alternate plan.

For the rest of this film, Melanie and her parasite, now known as The Seeker, will communicate. This will be conveyed to the audience by her staring into the camera and talking to herself.

We’re introduced to Diane Krueger’s character who’s name was probably said at some point, but given that her character required for the depth of cardboard, I don’t remember it.

Wooden characters that we don’t care about? I sense Stephanie Meyer has been in this room….

She asks Seeker to write down whatever memories are left behind. Its really wooden and we don’t care about it.

She obeys and writes down a really boring love story of something that happened earlier….

She met this guy while breaking into his house.

Again, Melanie does not know how an Apocalypse works. You don’t just mosey into an apartment and start going through the refrigerator for lunch meat.

She does however get a boyfriend out of it and they make out a lot. Which we all know, according to Stephanie Meyer’s Guide to the Apocalypse, is the only thing that matters.

Seeker then stares at herself in the mirror. Because she’s really interesting in that way.

She does however escape from a guy in a white suit who moves really awkwardly.

She steals a car and drives as far as she can and then has a accident only involving herself.

Oh Melanie/Seeker…..

Then runs into the desert and passes out. Thankfully, in the Apocalypse, a kind stranger shows up every fifteen minutes….

…and that kind stranger is John Hurt. Well done, Seeker! Most people just get a Guy From That Show a Few Years Ago. When it happens to me, I’ve got my fingers crossed for an Albert Finney or Michael Fassbender.

Diane Krueger is on the case! And just in time for her car to be polished within the very life of itself.

I watched this scene and started to hope for this scene from that other Host….

But whatever….

Melanie/Seeker is taken to a underground commune of hippies/survivors where her previous couch flame just happens to be there to tend to her wounds.

“Yeah, she’s possessed by an alien, but its a girl we used to know. So I’m conflicted. Better let it hang around and make the first move.”

There was this flashback, so Uncle John Hurt has a really good point.

Meanwhile, Diane Krueger is not amused.

Also, if in the future, your alien invasion has left you confused as to who is human and who is alien, let their choice in transportation be your guide.  No alien would be seen dead in a beat up 1994 Chevy Impala.

The action REALLY heats up when everyone goes out to the fields to harvest wheat.

Like, lots of wheat.

 

So. Much. Wheat.

They broke up the action with a car chase scene.  Despite the amount of dust being kicked up, the shine will never go out.  NEVER.
These two are the ones being chased, and not, I repeat, NOT in a ad for Foster Grants.
 Thanks to the quality acting work going on, I am in no way distracted by the fact they are posing in sunglasses with guns. Totally legit.

Its legit because the aliens lost and therefore, humans are better drivers.  Or something. For further questions, ask Stephanie Meyers.

One of our heroes bravely hides behind a bush thats shorter than him. Based on Melanie and this guys actions, humans have not done one thing to prove they deserve to survive.

In true Stephanie Meyers fashion, the other hero tries to kill Melanie/Seeker, but instead falls in the water. She saves his life and then….

…decides she’s in love with him. After all, he did just try to kill her.

I hate this movie. I hate it with the same breath and fire that I hate a Twilight experience.

Its really awkward though, when your host body loves one guy and your parasite loves the other. But thats what happens.
“Its Stephanie Meyer’s fault!” signed, The Studio that released The Host.
Just FYI ladies, no man will buy the whole, “That wasn’t me making out with your best friend! That was my parasite entity!” excuse.

When Cardboard Diane Krueger chases down Melanie/Seeker, a classic case of “The Villain Can Easily Win This” happens….

…but wait! Killing goes against the aliens’ code of ethics. So it doesn’t happen.

Speaking of endings that were ridiculously easy, Melanie’s Seeker gets bored with the movie and decides to step out of room. Presumably to find a better movie to be in.

 

Just a gentle alien parasite that only needed to be gently coaxed out of one’s soul that it was devouring for eternity. Simply cut and let it ooze out.
Quite possibly the stupidest yet easiest way the human race has ever been conquered in cinematic history.
“Its Stephanie Meyers’ fault. Don’t blame us – The Studio That Gave Us The Host.

It neatly fits in a dish….

 

…in which Melanie considers sending it back to Earth…

….but changes her mind and sticks it in the body of a dead girl that they found in the desert.

Seriously. That’s what happened.

“Think of it this way- She wasn’t using her body anyway…”

Lets see what Japan’s Host vision looks like…

So much thematically satisfying…..

And if you need someone to blame, you know who to call.

 

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: Gabe, The Cupid Dog (2012)

Its been awhile since I’ve posted, which means we are long due for anotherentry in the “Animals Who Talk But Looks Terrible On Film” category, but when I saw the movie artwork, I couldn’t say no to it….

After all, the dog has human eyes. I was kind of hoping it was a person trapped in the body of a dog, and the only way it could be set free was by getting a human to fall in love with it to break the spell. But that’s not what happened.  And as in the case of A Talking Cat?!?! its not even the same dog that was in the movie.

Instead, there’s a dog who’s owner is moving to London, something about a secret identity of a famous author and the dog sniffs out women.  There. Whatever visuals you just had from reading that sentence were probably better directed and acted out than what was in this movie.

You may ask yourself, “Hey, I hear this movie is directed by Michael Feifer. After seeing this, I might be interested in his other works…”

He is responsible for this…

The man enjoys dogs, I’ll say that.

Also this…

 

 

Just do what the dog says, and no one gets hurt. Or at least thrown in the river only to be found weeks later.

So here’s the best moments from the film.

 

Meet our hero – he sits at a desk and stares at his computer a lot, which is apparently what journalists do. He is bland and vague and the most interesting thing about him is that little dragon thing sitting on his desk. He is not a serial killer.

From here on, the director decided we wouldn’t truly be in the moment without uncomfortably tight close ups on his subject matter.

This is Gabe.  Look at him.

LOOK AT HIM.

(at this point he might be a serial killer.)

This is Eric’s coworker.  The camera loves him enough to be pushed into a  super close up.

This scene involves Gabe the Dog creeping up on a unsuspecting ginger girl and stealing her bikini top in hopes of her falling in love with his owner Eric. Even if I hadn’t consulted this directors IMDB page first, I would have wondered if he had ever lurked inside the mind of a serial killer based on this shot alone.

We all knew this wasn’t going to go well, and I suspect this girl was cast in exchange for giving the director her phone number.

 

Family friendly film or episode of To Catch a Killer? You decide.

This shot did not help me in my concerns that someone was about to die in a really ugly way.

This is the face that says, “Her head would make an excellent addition to my collection.”

“Hey girls, I’m making a movie right now. I can’t pay you, but if you’re willing to put on these bikinis, play with a dog and then meet me in this large manhole thats in the basement of my house, then we should have some fun.” – Michael Feifer.

Stop with the extreme close ups.  The camera clearly does not love this man’s face.  They’re barely even friends.

Now that Eric has graduated from staring at his neighbor Sara through the narrow slats on his fence to actually talking to her in a safe zone that’s the appropriate 100 feet from her house, we can really see the chemistry between these two go off.

Eric and Sara do go on a sort of date. She brings her kids and he brings them to a man who carves dark and disturbing death masks outside.

Eric seems the only one who’s entertained by it.

Honestly, I wish this movie had been about this sassy receptionist.  It would have been called, “Shirell, the Talking Receptionist” and I would have been happily watching that.

It should be noted that Eric is journalist.  However, Eric spends a lot of time not chasing down stories.  Just wandering around an office with a shovelface and not know what is going on. Thank goodness there’s a dog.

At one point, Gabe fakes an injury and gets Sara and her kids to rush him into the emergency room.  I should note here that if you’re rushing, you need to bend your knees to run.  None of this tiny shuffling with your legs tightly together business. Its like this is Sara’s first day in movement.

I’ve been to the vet plenty of times, but I do not recall ever posing with the entire staff with a couple of patients thrown in for extra ambience.

Just FYI, Gabe was fine, but the movie never told us where Eric hid the bodies. Chances are the director answered those questions in what was his next film….

 

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION – A Talking Cat?!?!?! (2013

Right away, I want to give this movie the award for worst title of a movie ever. If you’ve ever taken bad Photoshop as a warning, heed these factors when looking at the poster for this movie.

1). The movie features a different cat.
2). No one has a lawn in this movie
3). Same for the fence.
4). The emotions shown on the poster were not found anywhere in the movie. People took the fact that a cat was given the gift of speech with mild if not dull surprise.

Here’s the synopsis of the movie: A cat talks.

There.

Was that answer too short for you?  Fine – a cat talks and people act mildly surprised.  Also Eric Roberts voices the cat in such a way that if you listen closely you can hear him do it over a iPhone.

Before we get started, lets see what else director David deCocteau has done…

Okaaaaay. He seems to like cats.

Um…okaaay.

Here’s the moments that were forever put on film to be enjoyed for centuries to come (really more of a threat to the actors involved than anything else…)

Cue the opening credits which was really just someone’s screensaver on their computer.

 

We meet this man – his face is large and doughy and we learn that he is wealthy and retired from a company that does computer things.

 

We meet his son – a whisper thin lad who talks about liking girls, but who’s body language says a very different story.

 

 

 

Dad comes home and we’re immediately plunged into a world where if you’re not uncomfortable, something is very very wrong.

Meanwhile, across town…and by town I mean in a forest location that in no way looks anywhere near the other location…

There’s a woman who is confused and can’t find shoes, and a daughter who chooses to ignore reality.

And her son who remains pretty noncommital about his part in this whole movie.

Mom tries…

Yeah…probably best to let him sit on couches and be pretty.

And a cat stops by. To talk to them.  Because he’s a talking cat.

Back in Mr. Doughy’s lavish estate, his son and defintely not someone the director met while having lunch at the Standard in West Hollywood, answers the door to a girl.  Here’s where this actor is going to have to do some actual acting and act interested in her.

Spoiler alert: he fails.

 

Dad walks around in this shirt…

Lets get a closer look at that, shall we?

What exactly does that mean?

And now…back to our family centric film.

The cat is talking. Its totally believable.

See?

The movie is a little hazy on how the cat talks. Apparently, its just none of our business.

That cat is totally talking and in no way makes me think of Eric Roberts doing a voiceover in the bathroom.

Meanwhile, Cabin Mom and Doughy Dad are bonding…over cheesepuffs. And in no way did Doughy Dad remind me of this…

Nope. Not at all.

While that’s happening, his son is confronting his fear of the water with Cabin Son…

My heart says that a gay porn scene is not about to break out…however its always wrong when it tells me to stop at Taco Bell so I don’t know…

Fast forward a few minutes…

He’s still trying to give it a go with this whole girl thing. Kind of like when I try to go gluten free for any amount of time.  Its just not going to happen.

Nothing to see here. Just a man at home with his weird and creepy tree/shoe sculpture.

At one juncture the movie pretends to have a plot in which the cat gets hit by a car….

“Is he okay? Are we keeping him comfortable?”

If comfortable means having him stretched on a bed, staring at a laser pointer and draping cheesecloth on his head, then yes…he’s going to be fine.

And then they do that thing that nobody else does and makes it a group activity to watch a cat drink from a dish.

Which no doubt gave the director an idea for his next movie…

 

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION – Munchie (1992)

Oh, the horror of Munchie.  There are no words.

Sadly, that’s not how a blog works.  So I will find the words to express the soul devastation that is Munchie.

Here’s some trivia for you – Munchie is actually a sequel to a film called Munchies, proving that this film franchise truly did not care. About anything. Certainly entertainment wasn’t on their list of priorities either.

Synopsis in a hurry – a couple of filmmakers who hated life in general ripped off E.T. and Aladdin, suckered Dom Deluise into voicing a character so creepy that its a wonder CPS didn’t put a warning label on the VHS box.

That being said…here’s some moments that made me question why we as humans are allowed to create art.

We open with a man disposing of a box with Munchie inside. If this movie had just been the two minutes of someone getting rid of Munchie’s body, I would have been a huge fan.

Roll the opening credits. We stare at chattering teeth for a good three minutes. I felt ill the whole time.

 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

This is our film’s hero. His name is Gauge and he has a lot of problems, so he shuts the world out and stares at women. His future as that guy you avoid at a Starbucks is secure.

Here is the object of his affection.  Its Jennifer Love Hewitt – before she started putting together Client Lists…

Gauge has a run in with the principal, which in his mind, looks like this…

Yes, Satan visits Gauge’s subconscious on a regular basis. Or this is just Satan giving his seal of approval on this movie.

This is Gauge’s mother…and Gauge’s new Dad. He’s great father material because he wears baggy 80s track suits…

Jewelry AND a pencil moustache? How has no one swooped him up yet?!?!?!?

The new family dynamic is a little stressful, so Gauge naturally wanders off into the gates of hell…

Where this is waiting for him.

This is Munchie waiting for Gauge to join him in bed, thus cuing up the most disturbing scene in movie history.

Never mind. Munchie decided to sleep in Gauge’s underwear drawer. The filmmakers shook off any doubts in their hearts and knew that there was no reason a parent wouldn’t want their kids minds opened to this.

Kids, if you find a Satanic minion in a cave, just walk away. Otherwise, it will follow you to school.

I’m not sure which I felt ill at most. The fact that a porn scene almost happens….

Or that Munchie sat and watched it with his fluffy eyebrows.

Meanwhile, Gauge takes a shower….

And Munchie was waiting for him….I am convinced the filmmakers hate children or really anything that has the capacity to give love and receive it.

Case in point – this child was probably instructed to wear gym shorts, but insisted as being as clothed as possible on set.

Everything about this guy screams, “I’m not really a gym teacher.”

Put a violin in this girl’s hand, and you’ve got a good idea what I looked like when I was this age.

Gauge goes to a lonely professor who has a hoarding problem for answers….

And finds that Munchie’s evil has spread throughout the centuries….

NO

WHY IS MUNCHIE NAKED?!?!?!?!

I sense the liver spotted hand of Roger Corman was behind this….

Is it the fact he has teeth that I find so unsettling? Is it the fact he went to a barber and said, “Give me the Hitler?” Or is it the fact that his eyes are huge and devoid of a soul?!?!?!

…but he throws great parties.

The band has “The Director owed us money, didn’t have it, but offered us a part in the movie” written all over it.

New Dad is doing what the audience has been aching for this whole time – he’s thrown Munchie into the trash.

Ever had that nightmare where you, and underage boy and a minion of Hell are taking a roadtrip together?

I did once and this was how I woke up from it….

Munchie makes the Jeep fly – I fantasized about it leaving the Earth’s atmosphere and spontaneously combusting.  It doesn’t happen, but I rarely get what I want in life.

Taken straight out of The Lazy Man’s Guide to Comedy, there’s two cops at a donut shop.

Everyone is okay with Munchie being in their lives. How did that come about? If the filmmakers don’t care then I guess I’m off the hook.

This would not be the first time Jennifer Love Hewitt would have to grin through her teeth at the demands of a unattractive, smart talking, know it all gremlin…(Hollywood, amirite?!??!)

First airlines charge you for luggage and then they hire Munchie to fly planes. I’m officially over air travel.

FYI: This was just the second movie in the Munchie Trilogy. It was followed by…

Just walk away, folks. Walk away….

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FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION – Big Money Rustlas (2010)

Every now and then, a film is released that’s so edifying to the human soul, so poetic in its dreams that it wraps itself around your heart and lifts your spirit in such a way that is completely unexplainable.

And then there’s Big Money Rustlas, which made me want to hurt this movie so badly. The tragic thing is that I can never hurt it in the way its hurt me. I went toe to toe to brash ugly stupidity, and lost when it reared its hideous head, cornered me, then pummeled me with the lowest common denominator of the human experience.

In the end…I was defeated by this movie. I just couldn’t finish it. I crawled away from it and thought of happier days – the pull of the tide, the laughter of children.  Its hard to say when I’ll feel like me again.

There’s a plot – the members of the Insane Clown Posse, still confused on why no one will take them seriously, put on westerny clothes and pretend they’re making a movie.  There is a plot that I assume was hastily written on a napkin, which was used to wipe off wing sauce, which then fell on the floor. I’m also assuming the editing floor was surprisingly clean after this was deemed good to go.

Here’s some moments. I hated all of them.

Separately, I could tell you what these words mean.  Put together, I just don’t understand.

 

You can make me read all you want, movie, still going to hate you.

Tom Sizemore shows up for no reason. Don’t you have a urine test to fail somewhere?

 

Here’s what you need to know about this scene. Purple and gold are complimentary colors.  Unlike this man and acting talent.

Let’s say you’re involved in a shootout and want to stay hidden. Might I suggest you don’t where bright white clown makeup?

I’d make a horse’s ass joke here, but its just too easy. Also my soul was hurting at the time.

Hey guys – let’s decide who we’re shooting at before we commit to putting this scene on film.

I hate everything about this movie.  I hate the fact that people got up at dawn and brewed coffee, sliced bagels so that the crew would have the energy to film this movie.

Once upon a time, this was a mother’s little miracle. And now I hate everything.

Bridget Nelson and Jimmy J Walker finally together in a scene that nobody asked for, doing things that nobody wanted.

The well crafted dialogue and cinematography blend so perfectly together in this story, its hard to pick up on the subtle racism that peeks out of the blankets of filmmaking, then hits you over the head with a oversized clown hammer.

I…just can’t.  If this had been a real injury, I’d just assume that we were watching God’s judgement unfold in real time.

“Hey guys! What if we have a guy in leather shoot lasers out of his eyes during one part. Because I saw it in a movie once. There’s money in the budget for that, right?”

Everytime a clown laughs, a child’s dream dies a dark humiliating death.

This movie made me wish for the deceptive simplicity and heart strings tugging approach of Convoy.  May this film be translated to film stock then stored in a dark damp place. Like a cheese factory. Or the ample mouth of a member of the Insane Clown Posse.

 

For Your Consideration….Convoy (1978)


Given the proud family heritage of trucking that I have, I figured this be worth a go round.  There’s a lot of truckers and they all have kooky names and I’ll never remember them. What I do remember is that Kris Kristofferson plays one named Rubber Duck and he’s shirtless a lot. The thing is he doesn’t look bad shirtless, therefore making him a unicorn in the trucking world. There’s a lot of insults that goes on between truckers, lots of lingo that quite frankly, I don’t get. 
View this as a cautionary tale should you feel the need to turn your kitschy novelty song into a movie. 
 I leave this movie just as confused as when I entered it.
Before I start, I’d like to offer my sympathies to Burt Ward, who is still waiting for a call from Christopher Nolan…

Joseph Gordon Leavitt knows, to be Robin – USE THE BUTTONS ON YOUR SHIRT, SON.


First of all, this….

(shakes head, rips up film school diploma)
This is our hero. He’s called the Rubber Duck. I don’t know why.

Here’s a girl that he’ll be trading awkward sexual innuedos with for the next two hours.  I don’t know why.

Here’s some of his buddies.  Their conversation is non stop slang and nicknames. I can’t keep up and it was about at this point I realized this movie might not be for me.

Ernest Borgnine is a lonely man who pulls over truckers for speeding and not abiding highway safety laws. Given these positive things and the fact I can understand him, I’m just going to assume he’s the movie’s hero.

For reasons that are not explained and therefore none of our business, Ali McGraw is selling her clothes to some diner waitresses and dodging any questions about Love Story.

This is Widow Woman. Does she have a dead husband? I can figure out the woman part of her nickname, but again, it seems the plot is none of our business. I throw caution to the wind and keep trying.

It seems Hunky Trucker and Diner Waitress are on a break.  This is the 70s, so I know she’s not showing him pictures of the diner’s Bingo night last Tuesday.

She has a birthday present for him. I hope he can return it for store credit.
Probably the most unflattering birthday wrapping ever. And clearly a case of regifting.

Ernest Borgnine, being a longtime and embattled sheriff, comes into the diner, looking for some human conversation and possibly meatloaf.
Back in the cab…

Probably one of the most unerotic sex scenes ever has just wrapped up.
The sheriff enters and it seems someone is sitting in his spot.

Hunky Trucker is not having it. And when I say “It” I have no idea with that means.

No matter, a fight breaks out anyway with people being thrown slow motion over tables. 

There is going to be some nasty reviews on Yelp after this.

In a understated effort to get me to side with highway law enforcement, the truckers damage the Loneliest Sherriff’s car.

I’ve learned this guy’s name is PigPen. He is a hollow shell of a man.

And then this awkward moment happens. I’ve never had my waitress fling run into my newest Saturday night thing, so I have no idea what’s going on in anyone’s mind.

I’ll bet this guy does.

This place reeeeeaaaaaaallly puts you in the mood for a cocktail.

And for no reason, the movie’s self appointed hero runs a jalopy off the road. Just building my mounting hatred for the trucker culture.

Widow Woman takes a curve too sharply and loses her entire load. Woman drivers, amirite?!?!?!

Because she’s a top employee of whatever company she works for, she abandons her truck and whatever it was she was hauling across the country and gets a ride with these two. I’m sure those building materials weren’t going to anyone who REALLY needed it.

Just a reminder, courtesy of Convoy.

Never mind. The Sheriff is a terrible driver and has clearly taken his safety on the road agenda too far.

Hunky Trucker shows mild concern.

Ali McGraw doesn’t have time for the welfare of others. She has to photograph a wedding in Dallas that is clearly not going to happen.

Here’s an equally lonely Sheriff. Him and Ernest Borgnine have found love in a hopeless place. 

“I hate truckers.”
Join the club, pal.
Here’s where the movie spends the longest fifteen minutes having trucks and cars drive in circles with dust. Maybe this is one of those symbolic things that movies do and then I realized nope, its trucks and cars in dirt.

Still happening.

I had to go to the bathroom, did I miss anything?

I hate this movie. This car decided it’d rather commit suicide than take part in it.

Women aren’t into supportive garments.

Everyone’s happy they crossed state lines into New Mexico.  I think this was the first time someone was thrilled that they entered New Mexico.

And a convoy has started. I’m learning that a convoy is just people in large vehicles with absolutely nothing else to do in their life. 

Including this dreamy hippie pastor that drives the Muppets Electric Mayhem bus.
They start their tour of New Mexico but destroying it.

The convoy’s taken over and I feel bad for whatever car has to be behind it. Look, the Hendersons just wanted to get their kids to the basketball state finals and Jimmy really has to pee.

Wait a second, it looks like law enforcement is stepping in. I rubbed my hands together and wonder how Hunky Trucker’s going to get out of this bucket of syrup.

He’s carrying explosives.  Good thing he’s making a moral standpoint that hasn’t been explained to us, instead of wasting time and taking it wherever it needed to go in the first place.
So they’re just going to barrel through that? NO ONE SAW THAT COMING. On a unrelated note, I’d like to let Convoy know that I really hate it.
Seems the news of truckers clogging up highways and limiting supplies to people has gotten around and everyone’s pretty positive about it.
Local news affiliate really wants to know what’s up.  They ask, “Why the convoy?”
I listened in, because finally this movie is going to tell me.
Hunky Trucker: “Trucks gotta move.”
Damn you movie. Stop pretending you know what you’re doing.
Now the mayor’s involved.  They have meetings in his mom’s basement.
Since the convoy can’t roll 24/7, everyone stops in a field and takes communal showers.
SO. MUCH. HAIR.
The Mayor stops by to do a meet and greet. He’s going to Capitol Hill with their problem. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THEIR PROBLEM IS?!?!?!!
In the morning, they do irrepairable damage to the Earth’s ozone layer.
Sheriff Loneliness waits for them in town, hoping for a compromise but instead, truckers take their loads which have been expected in the Midwest for about two days now and completely destroy the town, taking out everyone’s electricity and basic utilities.

Movie, you have a limited amount of time to prove this Sheriff wrong and you’re doing a crappy job.

This janitor who has sided with the convoy is pretty stoked about cleaning everything up.

When they enter another town, Pig Pen has clearly not gotten over the high over apocalyptic destruction.

So he hits an ice cream truck and its driver. Please let the victim start up a convoy of ice cream trucks.

Hunky Driver gets serious…
Kicks Ali out of the truck. Because he’s a man’s man.
Thanks to our nation’s rampant military spending, they have brought in armed forces to deal with this convoy.  Which I’m fine with.
The movie decides to remind us again, that Hunky Shirtless Trucker has been hauling explosives this whole time while its being fired on.

So naturally, this happens…
A funeral is held for Hunky Trucker.  And no one got their loads where they should.

Pleeeeeeeaaaaase let Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem perform Taps. Pleeeeeaaaaaase….
The Mayor says a few words. He’s going to stop this problem, but everyone has to do their part. Again – WHAT WAS THE PROBLEM?

Ali McGraw seeks solace on the Jesus bus, which we’ve all done during our darker hours, but then she realizes…
Hunky Driver disguised himself as Ernest Hemingway.  You scamp.
Then Lonely Sheriff realizes it too.

He’s fine with it now, making whatever the conflict was in this movie totally worth the man power and state funds it took to resolve it.
“Hey, who wants to go to Mexico?”
Damn you, Convoy. Damn you.

 

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION – C Me Dance (2009)

This little independently and sanctified gem of movie mess was written, directed and stars a visionary by the name of Greg Robbins. Should this name mean nothing to you, you should be aware that Greg is a powerhouse producer who gave us other titles like Praise Band: The Movie and Pastor Greg.  No, I haven’t seen any of these – its just IMDB told me they existed, and frankly, who am I to argue?
Here’s the plot…
Greg (apparently the Ben Affleck of the poorly made Christian film community) plays the father of a teenage girl named Sheree (Sherie? Sheray? No one knows for sure) who loves to dance.  She also finds out that not only does she have leukemia, but she’s able to do Jesus one better and bestows salvation with a simple touch.  Turns out this really curdles Satan’s cheese , so he materializes, but not before Shur-ha takes some network meetings and telepathizes God’s word to an unsuspecting public.  And then she dies.  Greg displays consistent forms of mild concern.
And here’s the oddest moments…

We open with a woman driving a car getting run down by a Mack truck. She doesn’t know why and therefore the plot is none of our business.

The car explodes, but there was a baby in the backseat that survived. So already its like Harry Potter. Except everything is awkward and unremarkable.

So we fast forward to the present where miracle crash baby is now a teenager and practicing ballet in a paneled basement with a weird poop stain on the wall.
Also this is the parents reaction when they hear that Christmas vacation is coming:

Why do they hate Christmas?
Also Sheri-ee is apparently a perfectionist when it comes to her dance. Maybe its because her upper torso and her feet are never shown in the same shot.

She collapses during her unsynchronized dancing and goes in for tests. She’s diagnosed with advanced leukemia. Dad flirts with her doctor. Clearly todays problems are only minor obstacles to tomorrow’s opportunities.

Nothing gets Sharae down. As proof , there’s a montage at the mall with a uplifting Christian song. Kids these days.

Its all an act.

“NO! Just stop loving me!”

Throwing caution to the wind, she goes to dance practice, but there’s a evil force afoot.  Its like Black Swan, but if Natalie Portman looked confused and unsure of where she should be looking or what her symptoms would be if she had advanced leukemia.

Dad’s got a hot date with the doctor.  Thank goodness Scharaeaux has a debilitating disease that’s amping up the romance.

Or not.  Since Dr. Romance states she’s pretty clueless when it comes to diseases, they decide that they won’t date anymore.

They’re in the car on the way to church when she realizes doughy Dad can hear her thoughts. Her eyes are huge.

Then they go home and have the same dream where someone was drowning.  They wake up at 3:16.

Coincidence?

I THINK NOT.

Dad works for a cologne called Lifesaver.  Please note that Pierce Brosnan has been unwittingly roped into the worst named fragrance of all time.
And for no reason whatsoever a modern ballet performance breaks out. I’m sparing you the sound of the abrasive singer who voice breaks in mid note.

Greg’s real life son takes the stage in a dance that symbolizes him questioning whether or not he’s into the opposite sex.

Greg’s real life daughter stands in the background hating everything.

They decide to save one of Scha-rade’s friends. Immediately one of the angels of death from Indiana Jones enters the house.

Touch of the hand. That’s all it takes.

Since the plot is none of our business, a couple of hooligans from school chase her through the town.  She touches them and they become saved.

Then this happens.
The best thing about this movie is that the circumstances and the reactions don’t make any sense whatsoever.

Check out these two.  They may be the same age, but they’re playing mother and son.

Aaaaaaand we’re back to Black Swan.  Her ballet teacher really enjoys walking with her ass sticking out.

Oh, and Satan is following Shure-hay.

Satan shows up in her room.  He’s not as smooth as when he came in the form of Robert Pattinson and settled in Forks. (Twilight jokes never get old)

Sassy pastor to the rescue!

And he is pissed….
“Everyday, the world is going to hell and its really starting to PISS ME OFF!”

Doughy Dad and Sassy Pastor fist bump and I hate everything all over again.

Their solution is have a battle of the bands.  WHY ARE WE NOT DOING THIS MORE OFTEN!??!?! Our problems would have been long gone by now.

This is the band that wins the battle of the bands.  Ten people show up to watch a group of guys that I know do Collective Soul covers when they think no one’s looking. I smell a spin off appearance in Praise Band: The Movie.

Sharay goes up in front of the church congregation and has graduated from touching teenage houligans to just mindmelding with groups of people and making this guy cry.

Her message is getting out there. Crime’s going down and studio executives are shelving their tentpole releases because they might be harmful to families.  However since Transformers 1-3 still exist this just provesMichael Bay is immune to everything.

They immediately get meetings with every network which seem fine with giving Schah-raaaaay their prime time Thursday slot.  We’re not sure if this was following Parks and Recreation or was the lead in to NCIS. Even then, its interesting they’re not touching the time when Breaking Bad is on.

Another dance performance.  Except Satan pops by.

No, Sherie! Your dance teacher might be Satan!

Oh no! There’s a camera crew stuck on the side of your car!

Black Swan just got reeeeeeally interesting.

“You’re such a loser, Satan!”

Sherie…just get out of there. Seriously.  The door’s over there.
 I’m having a hard time wondering who’s lacking the most judgement.

Sherrie just took a ride on a motorcycle from a complete stranger….

Buuuuuut, Satan’s walking down the middle of the street. Just…wandering. So it’s a toss up.

Thankfully, though she gets to the church where her big special is being shot.  Just by this guy.  He doesn’t even need a camera. THAT’S how awesome Shah-ray’s special is going to be.

She’s graduated from touching to telepathy, but has been demoted just to talking.  Perhaps this was a criticism from the executives that greenlit her bumping The Mentalist. No word on what her Nielsen ratings were. 
Fun fact: Sherrie’s biggest fear is men in black trenchcoats. She saw it in a movie once.
Fast forward to….

Doughy Dad and Dr. Broken Hearts are spending Christmas together with third wheel Sher-ray.

She collapses  under the tree.

Despite being a doctor, Broken Hearts abilities are rendered useless so she just freezes and lets it happen.

Doughy Dad apparently went to that school that teaches when someone collapses you should move their spine around and mangle their arms around.

….and we have a title.

All is not lost because Shurray goes on to figure out if she can synchronize her torso and her feet in front of her Mom.

And I’d imagine Satan is still wandering in traffic somewhere….